Friday, August 29, 2008

McCain Chooses Palin as Running Mate

DAYTON, Ohio — Senator John McCain chose Monty Python alum Michael Palin as his running mate on Friday, shaking up the political world with a surprise pick at a time when his campaign has been trying to attract nerds, geeks, and fans of television travel documentaries.

After McCain made the announcement, Palin rushed to the podium and shouted, "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!" at which point the pair launched into a spirited performance of the "Dead Parrot " sketch.

The pick, confirmed by Republicans familiar with the decision, amounted to a roll of the dice, a gamble that an infusion of new leadership, and the novelty of a verbally dexterous, comic Brit could well energize a Republican base, desperate to steal thunder from the Obama campaign which recently announced a thirty-city bus tour featuring the senator from Illinois alongside such alterna-comedy leading lights as Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, and Zach Galifianakis.

Standing and waving to the adoring crowd, Palin and McCain broke into wide smiles as cries of "Ni! Ni!" began to ring throughout the hall. The festivities came to an abrupt halt when a giant foot descended from the ceiling, crushing both men.

Palin has also appeared in Brazil and A Fish Called Wanda.

Lies I've Told My Son

  • Television is closed.
  • Those rabbits aren't for sale.
  • It's only going to hurt for a second.
  • I have no idea what happened to that thing that plays "Do you know the muffin man?" every time you press the button.
  • You're going to love school!
  • The dog went to live with the vet.
  • Your Barney disk is broken.
  • That's not an ice cream truck, it's just a music truck.
  • The Disney Store isn't open on [Sundays, Mondays, etc.]
  • I don't have any more quarters.
  • iPods don't have a "repeat" function.
  • Maybe later.

Why 'They Will Use You For Food'?

Because they will. Mark my words. I'm not saying it's right, I'm not saying it's good, I'm just saying...

Don't be surprised when you find yourself sitting there all calm and happy and all of a're being eaten.

I'm not wishing it upon you, I'm just giving you a heads up. You can tell them I told you it would happen when it happens. Because it will happen. And I will have been right.

Unless I'm wrong.

In which case, I will owe you an apology.


I should not have italicized that. That was snarky. I apologize.

For real this time. No snark. Please accept my apology.


Please, oh, wise and gentle sir, if you would, step momentarily from your pale and mighty, high-arsed horse...

That wasn't fair. I'm probably just all worked up because of what's going to getting used for food and all.

Hopefully it won't happen. (It will.) But what do I know? (I know they will use you for food.)

Maybe you'll get lucky, and nothing will happen, and we'll both have a hearty laugh while you point out all the gooey bits of egg running down my face.

Or else you will have been used for food and all will be tears.

We're neither of us soothsayers.

Forget what I was saying before. They won't use you for food.