New Listing

Spacious modified castle offering 6 large bedrooms on 2nd level, eat-in kitchen, formal dining room w/fireplace and built-ins, living room & family room. Additional amenities include:

• Room of Eyeballs
• Whitch World
• Lake of Blood
• Scull Heads
• Goast Alley
• Knight Ax
• Librery

Property is owned by the architect who has set the asking price at "nine hundred and ninety nine moneys." Serious offers only.

EM

Listen Up, Fairy

The Kid lost two teeth in two days. After the first one came out, he wrote a letter to the Tooth Fairy requesting the following:

• A book about how to become a Musketeer.
• A Musketeer costume.
• A Musketeer sword (which he promised -- "cross my heart, ten times" -- to not use on people, only bullies).
• And a bookmark (so that he can keep his place in the book about how to become a Musketeer).

The Tooth Fairy did not leave any of these things. Instead, she left a set of Spider-Man markers.

While this gift was received with gratitude, The Kid was not shy about communicating just how little it had to do with his request.

After the second tooth fell out, he sat down and wrote the following. (Transcipt follows.)



Dear Tooth Fairy:

This is a real bluddy tooth. It is not a white rock. It is not a white pebble and it is NOT ... a ROCK that has been painted in red paint to look like blood. IT IS A REAL TOOTH. Please get my four items.

Love,
Henry

I'm not exactly sure where he got the idea that the Tooth Fairy doubted the authenticity of the first tooth and that her skepticism informed her choice of gift.

I'll let you know if she delivers the goods this time around.

EM

Additional Questions for Elena Kagan

1. The 1954 Brown v. Board of Education decision overruled the 1896 Plessy v. Ferguson ruling that "separate but equal" facilities for African Americans and whites were constitutional. Which is the better album Stand! or Let It Bleed?

2. In Berghuis v. Thompkins, the court eroded the landmark 1966 Miranda v. Arizona opinion holding that a suspect had a constitutional right to remain silent. Would you say you’re more of a Miranda or a Samantha?

3. Observers believe that your service in President Clinton's White House shows that you hold broad views of presidential power to, for example, detain terrorism suspects indefinitely. Would you support an executive order that puts Morrissey and Marr back in the studio together?

4. Some justices consult international law when they resolve issues, such as whether evolving standards of decency preclude the juvenile death penalty because it is cruel and unusual punishment under the Eighth Amendment. That aside: Alito, Scalia, Thomas—F, Marry or Kill?

EM

All-Purpose Cover Letter

To: Big Time Publisher
Re: My Kickass Manuscript


Dear Person Who Couldn't Care Less But Should:

You don't know me, but I'm awesome. Me me me. Awesome awesome awesome. You should buy my shit and sell it and we'll both make gobs of money.

So-and-so thinks I'm awesome. Don't believe me? Check out WRITTEN PROOF OF MY AWESOMENESS enclosed herein.

I'm sure you get letters everyday from people telling you how awesome they are. Well, I can assure they're not. In fact, those people are dicks. How do I know? Look at my shit (and how awesome it is) then compare it to their shitty shit.

Case closed.

Don't be like that guy who didn't sign The Beatles when he had a chance. That guy fucked it big time and you will fuck it even BIGGER time if you don't take me on today.

Did I mention I'm awesome?

Do me a favor ... take all that other shit on your desk and light it on fire. Right now. DO IT. Now cut me a big check that says "For awesomeness" on the memo line.

Thank you in advance for your consideration.



EM

What Am I Dealing With Here?

Innocent youngster just learning to spell or precocious hipster taking a stab at drug humor?

From the Warner Bros. Archive

TO: CHUCK JONES
FROM: WARNER BROS. STANDARDS & PRACTICES

Re: "ODOR-ABLE KITTY"

Dear Mr. Jones:

While we appreciate the wit and craftsmanship on display in your new film, we take issue with your depiction of a false skunk being menaced by a very real, French-accented rapist skunk.

Though the skunk fails in his amorous pursuit, we still fear this film has the potential to offend a number of different groups including:

• The French - who are known to be foul smelling.
• Women's Rights Advocates - as the attempted fornication between skunk and false skunk is played for laughs rather than explored with genuine sensitivity.
• Racial Purists - who may perceive tacit approval of inter-breeding in your portrayal of a cat-fucking skunk.
• Animal lovers - who probably know something about skunks that we don't and just love to fire off tons of angry letters as if people are really supposed to give a shit.

We sincerely hope that you accept these notes in the spirit in which they are given; which is to say, please amend your film promptly and accordingly.

Very truly yours,
EMEM

Retro TV Schedule, Slightly Altered

Marcus Welby, M.D. A kindly, unorthodox doctor differs with his strait-laced young partner as they tackle some common and not-so-common medical conditions ... like whooping herpes.

Quincy, M.E. A Los Angeles medical examiner uses his medical training and intelligence to solve a mystery and prove that a foul deed caused a corpse to end up in the morgue ... Tony Randall does not stop by often enough.

Kojak A tough, incorruptible, independent-minded, lollipop-licking police detective strives to keep the streets of New York City free of crime ... not as smokin' hot as it sounds.

Dragnet A no-nonsense detective with the Los Angeles Police Department and his partner fight crime by tracking down criminals and bringing them to justice ... and lecturing hippies at length.

The Incredible Hulk The adventures of scientist Bruce Banner, the unfortunate recipient of a lethal dose of gamma radiation that causes him to change into a furious green giant ... who'll smash his way straight to your funny bone!

Knight Rider An undercover police officer teams up with a futuristic talking car to battle the criminal enemies of the Knight foundation ... a non-profit organization dedicated to providing voice over work for William Daniels.

The A-Team An elite commando unit is unjustly sent to prison but they escape in order to form a team of soldiers of fortune who fight injustice and crime ... and fools, whom they pity.

Magnum, P.I. A former Naval officer agrees to provide security for a millionaire in exchange for living on his estate while doing private investigation work on the side ... unaired final episode features surprise double wedding of Magnum, Higgins, and their mustaches.

The Rockford Files An ex-con who was pardoned for a crime he didn't commit is an easy-going private investigator who takes on difficult cases with the help of his close friends ... absolutely everybody on the show looks like someone your dad used to hang out with.

Simon & Simon Brothers Rick and A.J. Simon share daring exploits as they work together in their private investigations firm located in San Diego ... the one dude heard this a lot: "I'm sorry, but that part went to Ryan O'Neal," while the other got this: "They're going with Dabney Coleman."

EM

Ineffective Wrestlers

• Kid Endnotes
• The Masked Staples Associate
• Kamala the Ugandan Visiting Professor
• The Cuddler
• Assistant to the Undersecretary of Pain
• King Kong Fuckup
• Microsoft Wrestler, Millennium Edition
• Sgt. Tolerance
• El Conejito
• Lord Posture
• The Repaginator
• Curt From Accounting
• The Blogger

A Message To Messrs. Craig & Jackman

----------------------------------------------
From: E. Myricks
Sent: Friday, May 29, 2009 9:51 AM
To: dc007@yahoo.com; huge-ackman@netzero.net
Subject: Something To Think About

Hey guys:

Saw the news in Playbill. Very exciting! While I'm sure this "Rain" thing is fantastic, and, obviously, selling tix won't be a problem, I can't help but feel there are OTHER plays out there that would be EVEN MORE effective at pulling in your target audience (i.e. The Ladies from NJ).

Attached, please find the following scripts for your consideration:

· Tender Are the Shirtless
· Hold My Hand While I'm Dying of Something
· The Vagina Whisperer
· Mancakes & Sausage
· Deux Chefs!

Take a gander and let me know what you think. I realize I'm not exactly a Broadway insider, but I think I know a little something about theatre ... my plays have been seen by tens of people in upwards of two cities (Boston AND Cambridge).

Best,

EM

Print In Peril

----------------------------------------------
From: E. Myricks
Sent: Thursday, May 28, 2009 3:40 PM
To: All Staff
Subject: Magazine Closings

Due to ongoing declines in ad revenue, the following underperforming titles will be shuttered as of June 1:

• Tiger Teen
• Smore Fancier
• Awkward Lad
• Modern Smelting
• Invalidated Science Digest
• Smug Cigar Chewer
• Lies From London!
• Autograph Fucker
• Popular Skank

Many thanks to the entire staff for all their support over the years; excepting, of course, those in advertising who have killed us all and will never wipe clean the blood on their hands.

Regards,

EM

The Quiet Contest

Henry and his dad engage in an epic battle.

Enter The Tetragon

Four-sided polygon to some, mere quadrilateral to others, but to a hearty few, The Tetragon is an unforgiving space in which limits are tested and foes are bested.

Office Vigilance

Subsidiary Forced To Move Back In With Parent Company

After six years on their own, Eastern Wealth Partners has decided to move back in with parent company, G.F.M. Worldwide. No word yet where exactly the company will be staying as Eastern's old room was converted into a "sewing room" shortly after they started renting their own place downtown in June 2003. When it was suggested that Eastern could just squeeze into the guest room for the time being, the company was reminded that the cat took that room over "years ago."

Though both parties agree the move is necessary, tensions are high as G.F.M. Worldwide has made a number of passive-aggressive comments about the amount of stuff Eastern is planning on bringing into already tight quarters.

Executives with the firm have stated that the move is "only temporary" and they plan on being back on their own in "six months ... a year, tops." Wall Street analysts as well as the company's girlfriend, Michele, are less optimistic.
EM

Prostitute Hit Hard By Economic Crisis, Pimp

Thanks to heavy market losses and the on-going credit crunch, people everywhere have been feeling the pinch, but, more often as of late, Krystal "Honey Dip" Novotny has also been feeling the bejewled-backhand of her mentor and business manager Troy "Dazz" Randazzo. Novotny reports that she hasn't seen this kind of "correction" since the fall of 2001 when Randazzo lost $633 on a dog fight.

While consumers all across America become more familiar with the pain of belt-tightening, far fewer have had to get used to the sting of said belt across their already tender buttocks as has Novotny.

"It's my own fault," says Novotny, a long time veteran of Randazzo's sales force who has twice been named his Top Lady. "Sure, times are tough, but Dazz said it best — a good sales rep can transcend downturns in the market. It's obvious to me that I'm just no good and I deserve everything I get."

Since the summer, Novotny has endured a 36% drop in volume as well as a broken arm, and she fears that things will worsen before they improve.

"I'm hoping business will pick up in the spring, but I don't know," says Novotny. "Dazz says bitches like me have been ruining economies since the time of the ancient Rominians. I'm just now starting to understand where he's coming from."

In an effort to boost sales, Novotny will be appearing near various ATMs in faux-satin stilettos and a tight-fitting t-shirt that reads "Show Me Your Stimulus Package."
EM

What Do You Think Our Our Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland Will Be Like?

• Waterworld
• The Postman
• Swing Vote
• Old Mall Near the Y
• Harry Dean Stanton's Dressing Room
• Nana's attic if Nana had marauding cannibals up there
• Comicon Phoenix
• Route 9 IHOP, 3:07 AM Thursday
• Cormac McCarthy's The Road
• Cormac McCarthy-penned episode of Blossom (unaired)
• Six Flags Fallujah
• The Replacements van after Hootenanny tour
• Modesto only with more people wearing jumpsuits

EMEM

Munchkin Index

The Good News

• Mideast Peace Talks To Resume Aboard Willie Nelson's Tour Bus
• Study: A Little Bacon Won't Kill Ya
• New Principal Friendlier Than You'd Think
• Favorite Seat Vacant
• Opinion: Isn't It Nice How All The Temptations Get A Turn?
• Enough For Another Bowl Of Corn Pops Left
• Seinfeld Rerun Not From Season One
• Living Beatles Get Along, Dead Beatles Get Along
• Critics Agree: Your Version Of Shitty Movie Would Have Been Better

G.a.S. Index

Don't Tell Kenny Loggins You Love "The Gambler"

If ever you find yourself in an elevator in Century City and realize you're standing next to Kenny Loggins, here are a few helpful hints:

• Do not tell him you love "The Gambler."
• When he asks, incredulously, "What did you say?" do not reply, "You know … 'The Gambler' … 'On a warm summer's eve…' Fuckin' classic."
• Do not be surprised when he says in response, "That's Kenny Rogers, you doucher."
• If he pulls out a Best Pop Vocal Grammy for "This Is It," points at the engraving and says, "Read that back to me. What does that say?" do as he says. Read it aloud.
• Do not snort after he asks, "Gonna ask me about Six Pack next? Goon."
• VERY IMPORTANT: Do not apologize for your error as this will only fuel his indignation and produce comments such as: "You want to know the difference between Kenny Loggins and Kenny Rogers? How many Kenny Rogers hits did Kenny Rogers write? Yeah. And how many Kenny Loggins hits did Kenny Loggins write? Exactly. You go up to Kenny Rogers and say, "'Nightwatch'?… Killer stuff." That's an upgrade. Kenny Rogers gets an instant upgrade. You confuse me with Kenny Rogers … that's a kick in the taint. Seriously. This one isn't on Kenny Loggins … this one's on you."
• And, lastly, do not perform the Caddyshack gopher dance behind his back as he's exiting the elevator.

EM