Office Vigilance

Subsidiary Forced To Move Back In With Parent Company

After six years on their own, Eastern Wealth Partners has decided to move back in with parent company, G.F.M. Worldwide. No word yet where exactly the company will be staying as Eastern's old room was converted into a "sewing room" shortly after they started renting their own place downtown in June 2003. When it was suggested that Eastern could just squeeze into the guest room for the time being, the company was reminded that the cat took that room over "years ago."

Though both parties agree the move is necessary, tensions are high as G.F.M. Worldwide has made a number of passive-aggressive comments about the amount of stuff Eastern is planning on bringing into already tight quarters.

Executives with the firm have stated that the move is "only temporary" and they plan on being back on their own in "six months ... a year, tops." Wall Street analysts as well as the company's girlfriend, Michele, are less optimistic.
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Prostitute Hit Hard By Economic Crisis, Pimp

Thanks to heavy market losses and the on-going credit crunch, people everywhere have been feeling the pinch, but, more often as of late, Krystal "Honey Dip" Novotny has also been feeling the bejewled-backhand of her mentor and business manager Troy "Dazz" Randazzo. Novotny reports that she hasn't seen this kind of "correction" since the fall of 2001 when Randazzo lost $633 on a dog fight.

While consumers all across America become more familiar with the pain of belt-tightening, far fewer have had to get used to the sting of said belt across their already tender buttocks as has Novotny.

"It's my own fault," says Novotny, a long time veteran of Randazzo's sales force who has twice been named his Top Lady. "Sure, times are tough, but Dazz said it best — a good sales rep can transcend downturns in the market. It's obvious to me that I'm just no good and I deserve everything I get."

Since the summer, Novotny has endured a 36% drop in volume as well as a broken arm, and she fears that things will worsen before they improve.

"I'm hoping business will pick up in the spring, but I don't know," says Novotny. "Dazz says bitches like me have been ruining economies since the time of the ancient Rominians. I'm just now starting to understand where he's coming from."

In an effort to boost sales, Novotny will be appearing near various ATMs in faux-satin stilettos and a tight-fitting t-shirt that reads "Show Me Your Stimulus Package."
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What Do You Think Our Our Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland Will Be Like?

• Waterworld
• The Postman
• Swing Vote
• Old Mall Near the Y
• Harry Dean Stanton's Dressing Room
• Nana's attic if Nana had marauding cannibals up there
• Comicon Phoenix
• Route 9 IHOP, 3:07 AM Thursday
• Cormac McCarthy's The Road
• Cormac McCarthy-penned episode of Blossom (unaired)
• Six Flags Fallujah
• The Replacements van after Hootenanny tour
• Modesto only with more people wearing jumpsuits

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Munchkin Index

The Good News

• Mideast Peace Talks To Resume Aboard Willie Nelson's Tour Bus
• Study: A Little Bacon Won't Kill Ya
• New Principal Friendlier Than You'd Think
• Favorite Seat Vacant
• Opinion: Isn't It Nice How All The Temptations Get A Turn?
• Enough For Another Bowl Of Corn Pops Left
• Seinfeld Rerun Not From Season One
• Living Beatles Get Along, Dead Beatles Get Along
• Critics Agree: Your Version Of Shitty Movie Would Have Been Better

G.a.S. Index

Don't Tell Kenny Loggins You Love "The Gambler"

If ever you find yourself in an elevator in Century City and realize you're standing next to Kenny Loggins, here are a few helpful hints:

• Do not tell him you love "The Gambler."
• When he asks, incredulously, "What did you say?" do not reply, "You know … 'The Gambler' … 'On a warm summer's eve…' Fuckin' classic."
• Do not be surprised when he says in response, "That's Kenny Rogers, you doucher."
• If he pulls out a Best Pop Vocal Grammy for "This Is It," points at the engraving and says, "Read that back to me. What does that say?" do as he says. Read it aloud.
• Do not snort after he asks, "Gonna ask me about Six Pack next? Goon."
• VERY IMPORTANT: Do not apologize for your error as this will only fuel his indignation and produce comments such as: "You want to know the difference between Kenny Loggins and Kenny Rogers? How many Kenny Rogers hits did Kenny Rogers write? Yeah. And how many Kenny Loggins hits did Kenny Loggins write? Exactly. You go up to Kenny Rogers and say, "'Nightwatch'?… Killer stuff." That's an upgrade. Kenny Rogers gets an instant upgrade. You confuse me with Kenny Rogers … that's a kick in the taint. Seriously. This one isn't on Kenny Loggins … this one's on you."
• And, lastly, do not perform the Caddyshack gopher dance behind his back as he's exiting the elevator.

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Springsteen Hastily Reworks Super Bowl Setlist During 2nd Quarter

Bruce Springsteen was thrown into a panic on Sunday when he and the E-Street Band arrived at Tampa Bay's Raymond James Stadium late in the second quarter and saw the size of the venue in which they were to perform.

"As everyone knows, I'm most comfortable in an intimate setting," said Springsteen. "Imagine my surprise when Roy [Bittan, pianist] pulled the van up to this monstrosity and said, 'Well, folks, unless Google Maps is dead wrong, this is it.'"

According to Springsteen, the original set list included "Mary Queen of Arkansas," and a suite of songs from Devils and Dust. The closer was to be "This Hard Land" from his 1998 closet-cleaning box set Tracks.

"The original plan was to go all acoustic. Thank goodness Max was already out in the parking lot tailgating with Conan and those guys. It was just dumb luck that he had drums in his camper at all."

While The Boss still questions whether or not "Glory Days" was "the exact right song" to pull out during a sporting event, he's thankful that the gospel choir he ran into backstage agreed to join him on "Working On A Dream."

"I'm telling you, if the Cardinals didn't ask to review that James Harrison interception right before the half, I don't think we would have had time to teach it to them."

Going forward, Springsteen's wife/road manager Patti Scialfa has vowed to do a better job obtaining more specific information concerning venue. Next up for the E-Streeters is a battle of the bands at Señor Taco's in Warrensburg, Missouri.
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