Gen X-er Wonders Why She's Never Heard of "Mystery Men"

Ten minutes into a syndicated broadcast of Mystery Men, a thirtysomething mother of two wondered aloud how she missed the very existence of this superhero comedy originally released in 1999.

"I mean, look at this thing ... Bill Macy, Hank Azaria, Geoffrey Rush, Eddie Izzard, Janeane Garofalo ... these are some of my favorite people," said the puzzled viewer. "Tom Waits is in it. Paul Reubens. I think I even saw Louise Lasser in there. And, yeah, I'm not the biggest Ben Stiller fan, but in 1999 he was still kind of on the Mr. Show side of the fence. How is it possible that this movie utterly failed to enter my realm of consciousness before tonight?"

After remarking on Greg Kinnear's not unfunny portrayal of Captain Amazing, the woman continued, "Maybe I was busy at the time, but it came out before the kids came along, so ... really ... how busy could I have been?"

Watching up to the third commercial break – not thoroughly unamused but less than completely engaged in the comedic plot involving low-rent superheroes such as The Shoveler and The Bowler – the woman opted to abandon the film and check out the Ricky Gervais stand-up special a friend had burned for her instead.
EM

Dude Mourns Don Knotts Two Years Too Late

So we're watching that terrible show where the comics are sitting around pretending to have an actual conversation but they're really just doing their acts, and what's-her-face's roommate says something about Don Knotts being dead.

So I'm like, "Barney Fife? Mr. Limpet? No way."

Of course, I'm totally bummed, so I hop on the web to see if I can get some more info, and I start seeing all this shit from February '06.

Wait a second ... Don Knotts has been dead since February '06 and I'm just hearing about it now?

So now I'm even more bummed … like I betrayed him in some way, you know?

Cut to yesterday, I'm talking to Hutchins … just general talk ... and I bring up Don Knotts and my feelings of guilt, and he goes: "Dude, we talked about this, like, two years ago, 'member? What's-her-face's roommate was seeing that guy from Cranston and we were all at that bar and the old guy working the door with the terrible tattoo brought up The Ghost and Mr. Chicken and you were like, "Did you guys hear that Don Knotts died?"

So now I'm kinda torn between being really, supremely bummed and not bummed at all: not bummed because it turns out I did pay my respects to ol' D.K., but supremely bummed because, clearly, my brain is rusting out from under me.

But whatever, this isn't about me. This is about Don Knotts being dead. May angels sing you to your rest, funny man. Retroactively.

Is it true that Paul Newman died?

What a shit-assed world.
EM @

Popular Thanksgiving Exclamations

• "Let's eat!"
• "Everything looks so delicious!"
• "Nice job, mom!" (sincere)
• "Nice job, mom!" (sarcastic)
• "Of course I'm drunk!"
• "I don't hate you just everything about you!"
• "It ain't Thanksgiving until someone pees on dessert!"
• "He's not my President-Elect, toots!"
• "You want the bird, go in the alley and eat the bird!"
• "I prefer squash pie ... and dudes!"
• "Dear lord, do the Lions bite!"
• "We get it! The white man is to blame! Just pass the goddam cranberry sauce!"
• "She's my sister and my daughter!"
• "Nobody wants to hear your stupid song, Sufjan!"
• "Those aren't parsnips!"
• "Hey, kid! No fries in the ball-pit!"
• "Hey-oh!"

Bush Apologizes for Ruining Country and Stuff

Last evening, shortly after supper, President George W. Bush knocked on the nation's front door and delivered a mumbled forty-five second apology while his father, former President George H.W. Bush, stood behind him on the nation's walkway.

"Sorry I crashed your country," muttered Bush, eyes downcast, hands jammed in his pockets.

"And?..." prompted H.W. from the shadows.

"And I'm sorry about all the war stuff and the crummy economy."

"And?..." interjected the elder Bush with growing impatience.

"And the torture and Katrina and everything ... Can we go now?"

The senior Bush then took his son by the ear, apologized for his son's dreadful behavior, and led the president back to the car, where mother Barbara Bush awaited.

Witnesses report that as the car was pulling away, the president received a swift backhand from his mother, who advised the leader of the free world not to cry lest she "give [him] something to cry about."

Top administration officials report that Bush has lost all PlayStation privileges for a month and can only go online for "work-related purposes."

EM

Sexism In Brief

Girl Astronaut Loses Tote Bag In Space
NASA suspicious of huge meal waiting for them as they return home from work.

For those who don't like the sexist option, we would like to offer:

Astronaut Loses Tool Bag
Tool Bag claims he wasn't that into astronaut in the first place.

And those who don't like either option might want to go here.
EM

Music Miscellany

1967 - Theremin player wondering if Brian Wilson's in-studio antics will result in some sweet O.T.

1972 - On tour in Pennsylvania, David Johansen can't find pantyhose he likes.

1974 - Bay City Rollers spend all night working on song that wasn't any good at 9:30 PM.

1975 - Out shopping, Little Steven spends way too much time trying on white shoes; Professor Roy Bittan wanders off to look at watches.

1977 - Roadie tries out Peter Framton's talk-box; surprised to find it tastes like Fruit Stripe gum.

1981 - Eddie Money blows $8.75 on Ms. Pac Man.

1984 - Guitarist/sax player from Huey Lewis & the News runs into Men At Work's flutist/sax player at MTV event. They briefly talk about reeds before awkwardly turning from each other and searching the crowd for Huey Lewis and Colin Hay respectively.

1986 - On the set of the "Sledgehammer" video, bassist Tony Levin steals a couple grapes from Peter Gabriel's face between shots.

1988 - J Mascis does that thing where he hits the gas right before Lou Barlow can get in the van, pulls away a bit, stops, yells out the window, "Last time, seriously..." then proceeds to do it four more times.

1989 - Killing time at a Dunkin Donuts, Robyn Hitchcock wonders if he can get away with rhyming "kruller" with "fuller".

1991 - After frantically checking pockets, Eddie Vedder realizes he left wallet chained to other pair of ratty cargo shorts.

1993 - Tom Waits spends an hour-and-a-half talking to the guy in the booth at the junkyard.

1995 - Weezer gets all amped up on Mountain Dew and watches Evil Dead 2.

1996 - Eddie Money blows $350 on PlayStation.

1999 - Between shows at a festival, one of The Stokes trades jeans with one of The Hives. They find it hilarious; no one else in either band much cares.

2000 - Jeff Tweedy shaves beard, leaves mustache and sideburns, has breakfast, returns to bathroom to shave off mustache and sideburns.
EM

Cinnabon Executive Still Hearing It About "Love Guru" Tie-In

Be they goofs or gaffes, blunders or boners, we all make mistakes. This being so, you would think people might be a little more understanding when something goes awry.

Evidently, people of this stripe do not work in the Cinnabon corporate office.

I'm the first to admit that I booted it. Hitching our summer movie tie-in campaign to Mike Myers' The Love Guru, was less than wise, but does that really give my co-workers unlimited license to ride me like a donkey and take huge chunks out of my ass with their endless sarcasm and derision?

"Hey, Ted, got any other can't miss propositions for us?"

"Is it too late for us to get involved with Speed Racer?"

"As a Hindu and a junior marketing associate, I would just like to say to you, sir ... [fart]."

Put yourself in my shoes: This guy is Austin Powers! He's Shrek! How was I to know that America would stay away from this movie like dropped from a pig's fundament?

You don't think I stay up nights wishing I could take it all back? You don't think I fantasize about flying into orbit like Superman, counteracting the Earth's normal rotation, going back in time to that first meeting, and kicking myself in the face?

Oh, how I rue the day I hooked us up with that polished turd thinking it would help us penetrate the Asian subcontinent's cinnamon snack market.

Do you people really see the need to continue beating up on me when life (or perhaps it's karma) has already done such a fine job?

Here's an example: late summer, I'm walking through the mall with my kids, it's long after the movie has already tanked, but still there's Mr. Myers' leering mug staring at us from behind the Minibons and Chillatas. I pick up the pace, trying to make it over to The Disney Store when my oldest, Tyler, asks, "Did you work on that one, Daddy?"

Demoralizing? You bet'cha. Kick in the balls? And how.

So, how 'bout it, folks, can we put an end to all this? Nobody needs to have his failures thrown back in his face over and over. Phil, I'm guessing you'd rather not be forced to relive the "Fudgabon" debacle any time soon. And, Carrie, I know you'll happily go to your grave without hearing the phrase "Glazegate" ever again.

I boned it, I own it, I'm sorry.

Now, let's talk about who's taking the lead on this Obamabon roll out.

EMM

Doobie Brothers Reunite To Build Deck

Seventies classic rockers The Doobie Brothers reunited over the weekend to help guitarist Pat Simmons put a new deck on his house, replacing the one he and son his Josh tore down over the Labor Day weekend.

Numerous Doobies, some of whom have been out of the picture since 1972's Toulouse Street, gathered at Simmons' home shortly after 9:00 AM on Saturday, armed with circular saws, hammers, and plenty of salty stories from The Road.

Guitarist Jeff "Skunk" Baxter, late of Steely Dan, quickly installed himself as "Railing Master" and predicted that the finished deck would be the group's "most lasting creation since Minute By Minute," the 1978 release which spent five weeks at number one and spawned the hit single "What A Fool Believes."

While former singer Michael McDonald was unable to attend the build, he did arrange to have six large pizzas and some Coke Zero delivered to his former band mates around 12:30.

Citing "previous commitments," "Skunk" Baxter and drummer John Hartman departed mid-afternoon and were replaced by ex-Clover guitarist John McFee, session drummer Chet McCracken and former Moby Grape saxophonist Cornelius Bumpus, who took over work on the stairs.

Vocalist/guitarist Tom Johnston, who left before noon complaining of a stomach ailment, returned late in the day to help with the clean up.

After thanking the Brothers for all their help, Simmons told them they were all invited back the following Sunday "if [they] felt like doing some staining." Briefly, there was talk of ordering some take-out and maybe even taking a run at "China Grove," but everyone looked pretty tired, and a decision was made to call it a night.

Simmons' wife, Cris, turned off the outside light before the last Doobie was out of the driveway.

EMEM

Rendition Interrupts Blogging

Hey there, Blogosphere:

Sorry I've been out of action, but shortly after running the Todd Palin Man-Cave post, I was taken from my home, loaded onto a Gulfstream and flown to one of those C.I.A. Black Sites the New Yorker can't shut up about.

What follows are some of the stories I didn't get a chance to develop in the run up to the election thanks to all of the stress positions and waterboarding I was subjected to during my re-education.

By the by, George W. Bush is the finest president the United States has ever produced and Dick Cheney is descended from angels that smell of pumpkin pie.

Now for some headlines:

• Bush Suffering From "Senioritis" - Advisors say president has been skipping meetings, playing a lot of Guitar Hero, hanging out in Burger King parking lot
• Muslim Socialist Terrorist Just Now Realizing Name Change Would Have Made Evil Rise To Power That Much Easier


• McCain Asks Lorne Michaels If He's In The Market For "Hartman-esque" Utility Guy


• Undecided Voter Can't Make A Goddamn Decision About Lunch Either


• Tim Robbins Purged From Voter Roll After Election Official Catches Erik The Viking On Cable


• Stoner Can't Remember If It's Yes On Question 2 Or No


• Democrats Fail To Lose White House - Millions baffled by news of non-loss
• McCain Didn't Want To Be Stupid President Of Jerkass Country Anyway
• Gay Marriage Defeated By Voters Defeated By Straight Marriage


• Cheney Has Page Help Him Carry Shitload Of Office Supplies Out To Car


• McCain Team Drops Palin Off At Bus Station

EM

Todd Palin Already Making Plans for D.C. Man-Cave

Wuzzup, my Alaskans!! (And you other buds from the lesser 49 or so states.)

T.P. in the hizzy. Just wanted to let y'all know that plans for my D.C. Man-Cave are well underway. I don't want to say too much since My Hotter Half keeps telling me that, technically, she doesn't have the gig just yet (wink) but keep in mind that she's the same one who told me that teaching abstinence was the best way to keep from becoming Grampy Todd.

Grampy Todd says, "Whatevs."

Here's a taste of what will be in store when you come on down to D.C. to hang:

• Fully stocked wet bar (obviously) w/ Midnight Sun Panty Peeler on tap.
• Firing range w/ a bunch of weapons the Pentagon developed but couldn't release because they're too off the hook.
• Pool table, air hockey table, and 2 Chexx tables (US v. Russia AND Canada).
• Drive-thru humidor.
• Wii, PS3, Sega Genesis, and Super Nintendo (because even though my bride will be running the country, NHL 93 and Tecmo Bowl STILL reign supreme).
• Multiple 80-inch flat screens (3 w/ Slap Shot on continuous loop).
• Six-foot bong (the one Willie Nelson gave Clinton in '93).
• 24-7 nacho chef.

Annnnnd (drumroll please) my very own red phone manned at all times by Jerky Boy Johnny Brennan. I think you can see where I'm going with this one ... "Hey, Putin, listen up, sizzle-chest!!" ... It's gonna be awesome.

Also, there'll be a crash pad if guys need to sleep one off before heading out to the indoor snowmobile track. Don't be surprised if Wurzelbacher's already in there, though. While Joe may be an unlicensed plumber, Lady Sarah tells me he's a fully accredited party-beast!!

As for those of you worried about The Cave having a bit of the "old man musk" about it, not to worry ... Papa John will have an open invitation, but I don't expect he'll be down much. He tends to pack it in right after Jeopardy — dude's older than Wasilla. (Not really, but he ain't too far off.)

Anyway, that's the word from here. See you in D.C., bitches!! Get ready to tear it up, First Dude style!!

Word,

T.P.EM