Tuesday, June 23, 2009

From the Warner Bros. Archive



Dear Mr. Jones:

While we appreciate the wit and craftsmanship on display in your new film, we take issue with your depiction of a false skunk being menaced by a very real, French-accented rapist skunk.

Though the skunk fails in his amorous pursuit, we still fear this film has the potential to offend a number of different groups including:

  • The French - who are known to be foul smelling.
  • Women's Rights Advocates - as the attempted fornication between skunk and false skunk is played for laughs rather than explored with genuine sensitivity.
  • Racial Purists - who may perceive tacit approval of inter-breeding in your portrayal of a cat-fucking skunk.
  • Animal lovers - who probably know something about skunks that we don't and just love to fire off tons of angry letters as if people are really supposed to give a shit.
We sincerely hope that you accept these notes in the spirit in which they are given; which is to say, please amend your film promptly and accordingly.

Very truly yours,


Thursday, June 18, 2009

Retro TV Schedule, Slightly Altered

Marcus Welby, M.D. A kindly, unorthodox doctor differs with his strait-laced young partner as they tackle some common and not-so-common medical conditions ... like whooping herpes.

Quincy, M.E. A Los Angeles medical examiner uses his medical training and intelligence to solve a mystery and prove that a foul deed caused a corpse to end up in the morgue ... Tony Randall does not stop by often enough.

Kojak A tough, incorruptible, independent-minded, lollipop-licking police detective strives to keep the streets of New York City free of crime ... not as smokin' hot as it sounds.

Dragnet A no-nonsense detective with the Los Angeles Police Department and his partner fight crime by tracking down criminals and bringing them to justice ... and lecturing hippies at length.

The Incredible Hulk The adventures of scientist Bruce Banner, the unfortunate recipient of a lethal dose of gamma radiation that causes him to change into a furious green giant ... who'll smash his way straight to your funny bone!

Knight Rider An undercover police officer teams up with a futuristic talking car to battle the criminal enemies of the Knight foundation ... a non-profit organization dedicated to providing voice over work for William Daniels.

The A-Team An elite commando unit is unjustly sent to prison but they escape in order to form a team of soldiers of fortune who fight injustice and crime ... and fools, whom they pity.

Magnum, P.I. A former Naval officer agrees to provide security for a millionaire in exchange for living on his estate while doing private investigation work on the side ... unaired final episode features surprise double wedding of Magnum, Higgins, and their mustaches.

The Rockford Files An ex-con who was pardoned for a crime he didn't commit is an easy-going private investigator who takes on difficult cases with the help of his close friends ... absolutely everybody on the show looks like someone your dad used to hang out with.

Simon & Simon Brothers Rick and A.J. Simon share daring exploits as they work together in their private investigations firm located in San Diego ... the one dude heard this a lot: "I'm sorry, but that part went to Ryan O'Neal," while the other got this: "They're going with Dabney Coleman."


Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Ineffective Wrestlers

  • Kid Endnotes
  • The Masked Staples Associate
  • Kamala the Ugandan Visiting Professor
  • The Cuddler
  • Assistant to the Undersecretary of Pain
  • King Kong Fuckup
  • Microsoft Wrestler, Millennium Edition
  • Sgt. Tolerance
  • El Conejito
  • Lord Posture
  • The Repaginator
  • Curt From Accounting
  • The Blogger