Thursday, March 26, 2009

Subsidiary Forced To Move Back In With Parent Company

After six years on their own, Eastern Wealth Partners has decided to move back in with parent company, G.F.M. Worldwide. No word yet where exactly the company will be staying as Eastern's old room was converted into a "sewing room" shortly after they started renting their own place downtown in June 2003. When it was suggested that Eastern could just squeeze into the guest room for the time being, the company was reminded that the cat took that room over "years ago."

Though both parties agree the move is necessary, tensions are high as G.F.M. Worldwide has made a number of passive-aggressive comments about the amount of stuff Eastern is planning on bringing into already tight quarters.

Executives with the firm have stated that the move is
"only temporary" and they plan on being back on their own in "six months ... a year, tops." Wall Street analysts as well as the company's girlfriend, Michele, are less optimistic.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Prostitute Hit Hard By Economic Crisis, Pimp

Thanks to heavy market losses and the on-going credit crunch, people everywhere have been feeling the pinch, but, more often as of late, Krystal "Honey Dip" Novotny has also been feeling the bejewled-backhand of her mentor and business manager Troy "Dazz" Randazzo. Novotny reports that she hasn't seen this kind of "correction" since the fall of 2001 when Randazzo lost $633 on a dog fight.

While consumers all across America become more familiar with the pain of belt-tightening, far fewer have had to get used to the sting of said belt across their already tender buttocks as has Novotny.

"It's my own fault," says Novotny, a long time veteran of Randazzo's sales force who has twice been named his Top Lady. "Sure, times are tough, but Dazz said it best —
a good sales rep can transcend downturns in the market. It's obvious to me that I'm just no good and I deserve everything I get."

Since the summer, Novotny has endured a 36% drop in volume as well as a broken arm, and she fears that things will worsen before they improve.

"I'm hoping business will pick up in the spring, but I don't know," says Novotny. "Dazz says bitches like me have been ruining economies since the time of the ancient Rominians. I'm just now starting to understand where he's coming from."

In an effort to boost sales, Novotny will be appearing near various ATMs in faux-satin stilettos and a tight-fitting t-shirt that reads "Show Me Your Stimulus Package."


Thursday, March 12, 2009

What Do You Think Our Our Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland Will Be Like?

  • Waterworld
  • The Postman
  • Swing Vote
  • Old Mall Near the Y
  • Harry Dean Stanton's Dressing Room
  • Nana's attic if Nana had marauding cannibals up there
  • Comicon Phoenix
  • Route 9 IHOP, 3:07 AM Thursday
  • Cormac McCarthy's The Road
  • Cormac McCarthy-penned episode of Blossom (unaired)
  • Six Flags Fallujah
  • The Replacements van after Hootenanny tour
  • Modesto only with more people wearing jumpsuits


Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

The Good News

  • Mideast Peace Talks To Resume Aboard Willie Nelson's Tour Bus
  • Study: A Little Bacon Won't Kill Ya
  • New Principal Friendlier Than You'd Think
  • Favorite Seat Vacant
  • Opinion: Isn't It Nice How All The Temptations Get A Turn?
  • Enough For Another Bowl Of Corn Pops Left
  • Seinfeld Rerun Not From Season One
  • Living Beatles Get Along, Dead Beatles Get Along
  • Critics Agree: Your Version Of Shitty Movie Would Have Been Better

Monday, March 2, 2009