Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Safeway Bulletin Board, 1701 Corcoran St. NW, Wash., D.C.


Top quality items. Great condition.
Only 8 yrs. old. Asking $700 billion O.B.O.

REPLY TO: dcheney41@yahoo.com

Monday, September 29, 2008

Can't Convince Co-Worker I Was Listening to Bryan Adams for Research Purposes

There probably won't be a lot of this sort of thing here at They Will Use You For Food, but I felt compelled to share this personal story. Consider it our Very Special Episode.

It was never my intent to share this site with co-workers. Not that I'm ashamed of it, I'd just rather not have people I work with:

1. Know too much about me.
2. Find me weirder than they already do.
3. Consider me confusing and profoundly unfunny.

In the course of researching the 9/26 post, I was on Rhapsody pulling up all manner of Bryan Adams albums. When the post was finished, I minimized the program, and went about my day.

Later, while discussing music with a co-worker, I mentioned that I could probably pull up the album in question on Rhapsody. He came over to my desk, I opened the program, and staring us right in the face was Bryan Adams' "Kids Wanna Rock."

Needless to say, the ribbing commenced immediately, followed by my lame defense:

"No. See. It's not— I'm not actually listening to 'Kids Wanna Rock.' Well. I am, but it's for something. I have this thing— Look. I'm not listening to Bryan Adams to listen to Bryan Adams. Ugh. I'll send you the link."

And with that, I'd been outed.

In order to convince my co-worker that I was not listening to Bryan Adams in earnest, I had to reveal the address of my blog. Chilling stuff, no? Like Sophie's Choice meets Reservoir Dogs meets Bryan Adams.

(My goodness, if Mr. Adams has Google Alerts, he's going wonder what the uptick on Blogger is all about.)

Anyway, my co-worker couldn't access this blog from his computer—
for some reason (divine interverntion?) it was blocked. So I guess I'm still safe during business hours, but now he has the address. And I don't think he's convinced that I wasn't really listening to Bryan Adams.

I wasn't.

But I have.

In fact, back when I was first learning to play guitar, I listened to Bryan Adams quite a bit.

Which is probably why I rock so f'n hard.

[Insert "Nan-nah-nah," section of "Cuts Like a Knife" here.]


Friday, September 26, 2008

Bryan Adams Mixtape Includes Awful Lot of Bryan Adams

From: eddiemyricks@gmail.com
Sent: Friday, September 26, 2008 9:13 AM
To: run2u69@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: MixMaster

Hey Bry:

How's it going over there? Just wanted to thank you for the mixtape. You clearly spent a lot of time on it. (The cover, in particular, is killer. Do you have Photoshop or something?) I had no idea you were into Midlake. And putting that Beach Boys-inspired Dukes of Stratosphere tune right after the Brian Wilson piano-only version of "Surf's Up" was downright inspired. Nicely done!

One thing I wanted to bring up, though, I noticed you put quite a few of your own songs on there, too. Don't get me wrong, your music's ... you've had quite a successful career there ... I'm just curious as to why you decided to include so much of your own stuff on this particular mix?

Kicking things off with Robert Pollard's "I'm a Widow" was unmistakably badass, but following it up with "Kids Wanna Rock," then going directly into "(I Wanna Be) Your Underwear" ... I don't know, man ... it just struck me as a tad lazy. (You wrote that one with "Mutt" Lange, huh? Who did the lyrics? Not that you're asking, but I found them to be a little ... I kinda wanna say "racy" but I also wanna say "lame." Just being honest, my friend.)

And I don't mean to imply that it's not okay to put your own music on a mixtape. Certainly, part of the experiment is to share stuff you like. The thing is, it's sort of a given that you like your own stuff. (Some of it at least.) However, the other part of the experiment is sharing stuff that I may not have run into before. And while it's true that I was not previously aware of "If You Wanna Leave Me (Can I Come Too?)" – a deep cut from 1993's "Waking Up the Neighbours" – I can't help but wonder if that would have been a good slot to put ... I don't know ... someone else's song.

I hope these words don't put the kibosh on our great mixtape exchange. I really am curious as to what you're listening to these days. And maybe that's where I'm way off base ... maybe that's exactly what you have done ... maybe this mix is a completely accurate portrayal of what you're listening to: a little Jay Reatard, a little MC5, a whole lot of Bryan Adams. Who am I to judge?

Anyway, I'm totally looking forward to the next one. How'd you like mine? Figured you'd get a kick out of that Loverboy tune. Fellow Canadians, yeah?

Take it easy, B.A. Keep on rockin'. (And, on your more Adult Contemporary stuff, not rockin'.)



Thursday, September 25, 2008

Polar Bear to Zoo Visitors: "I'm Not Depressed"

How many times a day does some yahoo zoo visitor say it? Couldn't even imagine. But every time they do, I want to claw my own face off:

"Do you think that polar bear is depressed?"

Guh. Really?

Well, here's your answer, Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Dipshit: No, I'm not depressed. Surprised? Disappointed? No fur off my white ass.

I'm a polar bear, okay? Let me give you a taste what's going on in my brain: "I want some fish ... I want some fish ... I want to kill that thing in the baseball cap ... now I want some fish again ..." If you want to call that depression, be my guest. I call it being a polar bear.

You see me swimming around my scummy little concrete pond in the same repetitive pattern and you say, "Isn't that a sure sign of depression?" Maybe so. You want to know what else is depressing? Wandering around the Arctic, trying to find some goddam fish EVERY WAKING MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE.

Sure, being in a zoo sucks, but I'm guessing being in the Arctic sucks even worse. I can't be sure, of course, as I was born in a zoo. Oh, you didn't know that about me? I'm shocked. (And by that I mean, I'm not shocked in the least.) Yeah. Zoo born and bred. So when you start wondering, "Don't you think he'd be happier in the wild?" the answer is, "Umm ... no, probably not." In fact, I'm pretty sure if you dropped me in the wild I'd get my ass handed to me by sea birds. So, yeah, thanks for thinking of me, Cap'n World Wildlife Fund, but maybe you should just focus on your gig at Circuit City.

What was I saying? Right. The zoo. Yeah, not a ball. But I'll put it back on you: Would you rather be a crackhead locked in a crackhouse with a steady supply of crack on hand or a crackhead living on the street with jack squat and a nasty jones?

Yeah. Me, too.

So, there you have it. Not depressed. Or maybe it's more accurate to say, "No more than you, Kid Belly-Bag ... wandering around the zoo with your shrill mate and your scabby-ass brats ... go buy some more ice cream, fatty ... go bother the ostriches or something ... just leave me to my listless swimming around this dank, concrete wasteland.

Good lord, maybe I am depressed.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Google Earth FAQs

  • Who are these creeps walking around taking pictures of everything?
  • When I place my mouse on the southernmost tip of Chile and spin the globe really, really fast should I be getting nauseous? 'Cause I am.
  • Why can't I zoom into windows, particularly bathroom windows?
  • How come there's no Africa on this thing? Oh, wait, there it is.
  • Who are these creeps walking around taking pictures of everything and where do I sign up?
  • Y'all have Texas showing up smaller'n Alaska. You can't get that fixed?
  • Who's that girl walking past the garbage truck (1058 W. Addison, Chicago)?
  • You people caught me on the absolute worst possible day. I was laid up in June 2005. My lawn never looks that bad. Can I get a retake?
  • Do you want more shots of Hayes, Nebraska? No? That's cool.
  • Maluku? Seriously? Maluku?
  • Umm ... where's all the ice that's supposed to be on top of the world?

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Grandpa Has a Real Thing for Bonnie Hunt

Based on comments made over dinner last Sunday, it appears that Grandpa is "quite taken" with actress/talk show host Bonnie Hunt.

Past objects of Grandpa's affection include Laura Linney, Holly Hunter, and Crystal Giroux, the physical therapist he used to see every other Wednesday.

While certain family members don't particularly enjoy hearing about Grandpa's "geriatricrushes," others are pleased to learn that "the geezer still has some fire burning in the ol' engine room."

Historically, Grandma has remained more tightlipped when it comes to revealing those she fancies, but relatives have heard her speak admiringly of local financial planner Tom Peterson as well as each of the three male leads from NBC's Frasier.


Monday, September 22, 2008

U.S. Fat, Has Nice Personality

Hey Finland. We're all pretty bummed that things didn't work out between you and Norway. It's tough, I know, you seemed perfect for each other. (Personally, I blame Sweden for coming between you, but … whatever … not my place.)

Anyway, I just wanted to toss it out there … if you're interested … the U.S. is totally available, and I know for a fact—

Why are you looking at me like that?

Of course the U.S. would be into you. Why would you even— You're cute, you're intelligent, your healthcare system is ranked 31st by the World Health Organization …

Wait a minute. I know what this is about.

It's because the U.S. fat, isn't it?

No, Finland, you didn't say it, but you're thinking it.

Look, I'm not gonna blow smoke … the U.S. could stand to drop a few pounds … what country in the industrialized world couldn't? But the States has such an awesome personality, I'm positive you two would have lots of fun together.

What are they into? What aren't they into? Music, movies, tv, video games …

…and restaurants, yes (very funny). But they love the outdoors, too. Sometimes. I'm sure if you asked them to go hiking or whatever they'd give it a try. I know for a fact the U.S. loves to dance. And funny? Oh my God, the U.S. is so funny. Way funnier than Norway.

They can be a bit racist (but so can you, Finland, be honest). And they have been known to start fights … particularly while drunk … but that's all part of what makes them exciting!

I'll tell you what, let me give you their cell … give 'em a call, send 'em a text, see if anything clicks … totally no pressure.

Do you bowl? Because the U.S. loves to bowl, and that would be a great first date—social, active—we can double if you want. I'll bring Peru, they're up for anything.

Just give it a shot. What have you got to lose? One night of your life.

No, I don't have Canada's number. Anyway, I'm pretty sure they're still seeing Portugal.


Friday, September 19, 2008

Let's Plant a Garden

Let us plant a garden sown with seeds of love.
Let us water it with kindness,
And tend it with patience and good judgment.
Let us plant a row of empathy,
And another of generosity.

Then a row of corn.

Two, actually, let's do two rows of corn.
And tomatoes.
Cherry tomatoes, though, regular ones are too hard.

No lettuce. Fuck lettuce.

We'll do a row of candy instead.
And booze.
Not the ingredients for booze, actual booze.

If we're planting "empathy" I'm pretty sure we can figure out how to plant booze.

So, what do we got, we got kindness, corn, tomatoes, candy, booze ... what am I forgetting?

To keep out the birds.
And the assholes.

We'll probably come up with some other stuff as we get into it, but this is a good start.

This is gonna be a kickass garden.


Thursday, September 18, 2008

Chili's Waiter Disconcertingly Laid Back

While normally fans of casual dining, Craig Carpenter and Dina Andrade found waiter, Brian "Wags" Wagnall, "unnervingly relaxed" during their visit to Chili's on Wednesday night.

"I'm not looking for the royal treatment, but this guy took it a little too far in the other direction," said Carpenter. "Something about the way he kneeled next to the table when he took our drink order … it kind of got under my skin."

Apart from the signature kneeling, "Wags" is well known among Chili's clientele for calling male patrons "bra" and female patrons "milady."

"Sure, I found the way he talked sort of 'ick'," said Andrade. "Not writing my order down is what really set me off, though. I was giving him these really specific instructions about my margarita grilled chicken – I have allergy issues – and he just kept nodding and biting his bottom lip like, 'Yup ... got'cha ... cool ...' I just didn't trust that he was actually listening, you know?"

When contacted after his shift, Wagnall responded, "Hey, some folks dig the Wags vibe, others dig not. Can a rope be a stick? Don't think so, broham. Wags must roll the way Wags rolls."

Manager Janice Wohlers pledged to have a sit down with Wagnall when he comes in on Friday. "Part of the goal here at Chili's," said Wohlers, "is to make the customer feel cozy, not skeeved out."

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Laundry Crisis

My fellow Americans:

Over the last couple of days, it has become evident that we, as a nation, are in the midst of a full blown laundry crisis. All of our standard, go-to outfits are in the hamper, and we've already tapped reserves deep in the back of our closet.

Yesterday, we even considered calling in sick before discovering a pair of pants that had evidently slipped off its hanger some years ago. As you well know, the pants barely fit, they had dried gum or something in the pocket, and the label indicated that they were from Structure. Structure. Now, we made it through the day, but I don't think any of us want to face another one like it anytime soon.

Some of my colleagues are suggesting we should just run down to Target, pick up a pack of Hanes, a couple of cheap tops, and push through to the weekend. "Spray some Febreze," they say. "Leave everything on the fire escape overnight."

This, my friends, would be tantamount to slapping a Band-Aid on a shark bite.

It is not only unwise, but downright irresponsible for us to try and spend our way out of this problem. The only sensible option we have is sacrifice. As unpleasant as it may be, we simply must get down to the basement and put in a load before suppertime. We must stay up a little later to get those towels folded. We must set that alarm for two in morning, drag ourselves out of bed, and get those whites in the dryer. Not much fun, I grant you. But neither was the Depression. Neither was WWII.

Unless we act now, we risk facing a far more serious crisis down the road: lugging everything into the car and burning our entire Saturday at that creepy laundromat next to the weird grocery store that always looks empty.

I don't know about you, but that's not a future I'm interested in. Not for me, not for my children.

Let's clean it up, America.


Tuesday, September 16, 2008

U.S. Economy Acting Really Weird

Maybe it's me, but I'm starting to think there's something wrong with the U.S. economy. Have you guys noticed? It keeps stomping around from room to room, turning off all the lights, grumbling stuff like, "You people think I'm made of money?"

Yesterday afternoon while looking for a snack, the economy came up behind me and slammed the refrigerator door shut. "Think about what you want before you even touch the handle," it said. Then it stormed off muttering something about "not paying to cool the whole damn planet."

Do you remember how the economy always used to keep a pot of coffee going in the kitchen near the reception desk? Well, the coffee's still there, but now there's a jar next to it with a little sign: "Take a cup, leave a quarter, coffee isn't free."

That was it for me. I went by the economy's office, fully intending to get into it, but when I got there everything was dark, and the economy was just sitting there, staring at its computer – the monitor wasn't even on! And I can't say for sure, but the economy's eyes looked really red, almost like it had been crying. Maybe it just hasn't been sleeping, but, either way, the whole scene sufficiently freaked me out, and I just kept walking.

I'm thinking about asking the economy if it wants to grab some lunch at Uno's. Maybe it'll be more willing to talk in a more relaxed environment. Or maybe I should just keep my head down, keep my mouth shut, and wait for things to blow over.

I've never been all that close to the economy, but it's tough to see it in pain. Of course, it didn't really give a shit about me when I got sick and couldn't make my credit card payment.

You know what? F it. I'm not the economy's mama. If it wants to talk, it knows where I sit.


Worst Selling Merch

  • Voidoids travel alarm
  • Sly Stone's Flytastic Spice Drops
  • Pavement: The Game
  • Iggy Popsicles
  • Dusty Hill feminine hygiene spray
  • Lou Reed tip calculator
  • Ohio Players Olde-Fashioned Riding Crop Polish
  • Hüsker Dü Dü
  • Eddie Money Dryer Sheets
  • Difford & Tilbrook's Potted Toast
  • Calvin peeing on Joy Division
  • Meat Loaf

Sunday, September 14, 2008

What's Wrong with MY Screenplay for Ghostbusters 3?

It would seem I've been
passed over again. What gives, Hollywood? Is my Ghostbusters 3 script too real for you?

I guess I'm not surprised. After all, you've done this to me before. Surely you remember. February '85. Scant months after the first Ghostbusters conquered the nation. Years before the second installment hit the big screen. Perhaps you recall receiving a little handwritten manuscript by the name of Ghostbusters 2: Babybusters? Oh, I think you do.

Needless to say, I was a little perturbed to find just how closely your "original" screenplay hewed to my own. Like mine, yours featured a cute baby, Rick Moranis getting together with Annie Potts, and a major plot point involving the Statue of Liberty. True, in my script, the Statue has turned evil and Lady Liberty functions as a hideout for rude ghosts who negatively impact people's manners, but I've heard how things change during the development process. I don't see why this discrepancy should completely nullify my contribution.

You better believe I'm not making the same mistake twice. This time around, I'm letting the world know nice and early about my script for Ghostbusters Go Bananas, so when your film comes out, and the similarities start to pile up, Columbia/Tri Star won't have anyplace to hide. 

Be on the lookout, enemies of infringement ... if Peter, Ray, Egon, and Winston are invited to be visiting professors at a respected Central American university and wind up battling Mayan ghosts and an intolerant dean ... you can be certain whose intellect that particular property is the intellectual property of.

(Mine, is what I'm saying. My intellect. My property. Right here.)

Also, please note that the song, "Bust That Ghost (Save the Rainforest Remix)" - a perfect fit for a Heavy D or perhaps even Bell Biv DeVoe - has also been copyrighted.

So, don't try it Hollywood. Not this time. The eyes of the two or three people I force to read this blog are watching now.

You've been forewarned.


Friday, September 12, 2008

My Kids Refuse to Say the Cutest Things

Kids are funny. Some kids. Mine on the other hand… Let's just say that nobody over here is going to be pulling down a slot on Last Comic Standing any time soon.

Try as I might, I just can't get my kids to say the cutest things.

Here's an example. We go over my mom's house. Do the kids say (as they've been instructed), "Why does grandma have cotton candy on her head?" No, they sure don't. Neither do they use the material about her ribbon candy or the bit where they come out of the bathroom with the Preparation H saying, "Grandma's toothpaste tastes funny!"

What I'm saying is, there's funny and then there's my kids. Or to express it in mathematical terms:


Sure, the material may be lacking. I'll own that. But I only started writing because their stuff was, as the French say, gar-bage. And it's not like I was looking for Evening at the Improv: Toddler Edition, but I wasn't even getting Family Circus-level shit from this crew. A kid can't say, "I caughted a snowflake, but now I can't find it," every once in a while? This is too much for a father to ask?

I guess I just thought going in that the whole "kid" thing would produce more chuckles than it has. Looks like the (lack of) joke is on me.

Even as I write this, there they are … mouths open, expressions blank ... JEEPERS CROW, YOU CAN'T SQUEEZE OUT A SINGLE KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU?

Maybe I'm being unfair.

Or maybe these jabronies just need to nut up and start bringing the funny.


Both kids grow up to be exceptionally skilled comedians who routinely mine their painful childhood for comic gold. Neither maintains contact with their father.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Obama Drops Biden for Widdle Biddy Kitty

CHICAGO, Illinois -- In a move being hailed as "utterly adorable" and "sooo friggin' cute," Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama has ousted original running mate, Senator Joseph Biden, in favor of Muffintop, an eight month old gray and black tabby from Dayton, Ohio.

Little is known about Muffintop other than he enjoys chasing a feather at the end of a flexible wand and he's pro-choice. While Republicans are leveling charges of cynicism and shortsightedness at the Obama camp, Democrats everywhere are rallying around the feisty feline.

During Tuesday's night's appearance at George Washington University, DNC chairman Howard Dean said, "True, Muffintop hasn't logged a lot of time in government, nor does he have much experience when it comes to foreign policy, but wook at his widdle face. How do you not vote for that?"

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

The Nixon-Kissinger Transcripts: June 1, 1973

RN: You had told me that McGeorge Bundy [former National Security Advisor to JFK] had the effrontery to tell you that Bobby Kennedy in that period didn't have any taps … Let's get away from the bullshit. Bobby Kennedy was the greatest tapper—three hundred in 1963—almost three hundred. Two hundred fifty in the rest. And I'm getting the names, and I'm going to publish the names next Thursday … And let the assholes know that they're going to get this, Henry.
HK: I think you should, absolutely.
RN: Because they have done us in on this thing … They started it. They want to have a gut fight; they're going to get one … Now, I want you—now, this is not going to go out till Monday, but leak it to somebody. Talk to one of your liberal friends and say we've got a blockbuster coming out …
HK: Certainly I can.
RK: Good. Good. Is that—
HK: One other thing ... I have the Bowie ...
RN: The new one?
HK: Aladdin Sane, yes.
RN: What is it?
HK: Aladdin Sane, Mr. President.
RN: What the hell's that supposed to mean?
HK: I believe it's the new character.
RN: New character? What do you— Why can't this son-of-a-bitch just a sing song, for crying out loud?

HK: I ... don't ...
RN: Who does this— Does Lennon have to become a new character every year-and-a-half? Does Dylan?
HK: To be fair, one can point to distinct phases—
RN: Oh, I don't give a damn about that ... a phase is not the same as a— I'm talking about indulging in this ... this fruity, theater-y ... dressing up, and, and, putting together a back-story ... How can you compare that to—
HK: Well, on Nashville Skyline
RN: No, I already know what you're going to say, and it's a bullshit argument. Dylan changed his voice. Right? On Nashville Skyline. Is that what you were going to say?
HK: Yes, that's—
RN: Okay. Yes. His voice is different. But he's still Bob Dylan. He's not— He didn't start calling himself ... Charlie Bumfuck or some such—
HK: But, surely, "Bob Dylan" himself ... itself ... is a, a construct, Mr. President.
RN: He's living the construct, is my point.
HK: How can you be so sure—
RN: Don't—
HK: I'm only playing devil's advocate. How do you know that Bowie isn't living his characters?
RN: Because I've seen the pictures, Henry! Look at the— Crack open a Creem, he's right there. Out on the town ... what's Bowie wearing? Corduroy jacket, scally cap ... whatever they call 'em. The one's the Micks are always wearing. Son-of-a-bitch isn't walking around London in that bullshit leotard, is he?
HK: Mr. President, I am no Bowie defender ...
RN: Well, you seem to be right in there ... pitching hard for him ...
HK: That was not my intent. I was just— I have the record, I thought perhaps—
RN: Sure, sure. Put it on.
(Silence followed by sound of a needle on vinyl.)
RN: Don't scratch it, Henry. Jesus.
HK: I'm sorry. My fingers—
(Sound of "Watch That Man.")

RN: Well, this one's right out of the playbook.
HK: He's been listening to his T-Rex.
RN: Mm.
HK: That was true of Ziggy, as well, though.
RN: Yeah, but Ziggy has that ... Ziggy has that vibe ... that apocalyptic, cinematic ... It's not Bolin Lite. It's not faux-Stones barrelhouse. There's a vision there.

HK: Well, this is just the first song.
RN: It's never "just" the first song, Henry. It's the opener.


Monday, September 8, 2008

Soul Man Denied Access to Bridge

Johnson City, TN - During Thursday night's performance of "Can I Get Some?" soul singer Dontrel "Stacks" Tolliver was ignored by backing band The Hot Biscuits each time he asked them to "Take [him] to the bridge." Rather than moving from the tasty, bottom-heavy groove which anchors the verse into the funk-tastic mid-section, peppered with spiky horns and chicken-scratch guitar, the band continued to vamp, leaving Tolliver no recourse but to continue begging for passage.

Audience members were perplexed by the band's refusal to proceed to the bridge as requested. "Stacks asked them eighteen, twenty times by my count," relays fan Tracy Biggums. "At first, I thought they were just building up
tension, but after a while it became clear they just weren't going to take him at all. You could tell Stacks was hurt."

"I am mortified, horrified, mummified, and country fried," says the 63-year old Tolliver. "I don't know what I did to those boys, but they have wounded me on a level I can't fully verbalize." Dabbing his eye with the edge of his shiny purple cape, the singer continued, "Is this not America? A man should not be subjected to such indignity, this day and age."

When approached, trombonist James "Bonedog" Breckinridge would only comment, "You ask Stacks what happened to our pre-show quesadilla … then we can talk about the [expletive] bridge."


Friday, September 5, 2008

A Fond Farewell

-----Original Message-----
From: HR [mailto:hr@libertyandunion.net]
Sent: Thursday, September 04, 2008 3:32
To: All Staff
Subject: A Fond Farewell

It is with a heavy heart that I announce the departure of Beige Tape Dispenser. In 12 years of dedicated service, T.D. has not only been an instrumental part of the Could You Hang That Up? team, but, since 2002, he has also provided much needed support to the Something Ripped department.

Regardless of whether you needed to slap a nasty note on someone's door or just clean some lint off your pants, you could always count on T.D. to offer up his unique services. While we're sad to see him go, we're confident that he will thrive in his new position at the bottom of a box next to the broken copier in the basement.

Yours very truly,


Thursday, September 4, 2008

High School Classics Library

In 1986, students at the Pernell Roberts High School in Waycross, GA were asked to organize a library for books they were assigned throughout the year. Here are selections from the card catalog the students created.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

The Only Provisions Left at the End of a Russian Space Mission

  • beetsicles

  • powdered bark

  • Spassky-Os

  • sturgeon paste

  • rigatoni al dissident

  • Eastern Bloc Pockets

  • ash browns

  • Hydrox

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Classic Song Sequels

Jessie's Girl's Daughter - It's that same guy, but now he's all hot for his friend's kid. Maybe he even talks about how glad he is that he never hooked up with Jessie's girl back in the day since that would've made going after her daughter that much creepier.

Low Rider Rides Again – I don't even think you need to change this one that much. Just use the same music and throw in some new lines like, "The low ri-der … is going through the drive thru … the low ri-der … has ex-act change."

Brother Christian – Perhaps he's motoring, too. Or not motoring at all. I'll leave that decision up to Night Ranger.

Another Incident on 57th Street - This time Bruce should spend a little more time with the "sister [who] prays for lost souls and then breaks down in the chapel after everyone's gone." Does she have other interests?

Even More Than a Feeling – Instead of talking about hearing "that old song they used to play," Boston can talk about hearing "More Than a Feeling" on the radio, and how that brings up all kinds of memories about working on the first record, and how THAT reminds them of Marianne ... like mirrors within mirrors.

Sunday Morning's Alright for Stitching Up Knife Wounds - I don't think I need to say more about that. It's on you now, Bernie.

Born in East L.A. 2 - Just so we know what happened next.

Monday, September 1, 2008

My Spec Scripts

For those of you not in The Biz, "spec script" is slang for "speculative script," an original screenplay that has not been commissioned by a studio or production company. (I'm not really sure what "The Biz" is slang for.) The only script that's come close to breaking through is the last one: I got it to Larry Manetti's people ... they seemed to dig it.

Saved By The Bell - "Smarmageddon"
Screech plans a school shooting. Zach tries to talk him out of it. Screech relents and shoots only Zach. The B story involves a couple of the other assholes staying up all night cramming for a test.

The Office - "That's Not Even Funny"
The entire episode is composed of a single 22-minute take in which everybody is actually working: taking customer calls, trying to figure out something in Excel, making copies, etc. Even Michael just sort of sits there and works without doing anything too stupid. It's a commentary on how bad work really blows. It's a gamble, but it could win an Emmy for bravery.

Caillou - "Things Are Going To Be Different Around Here"
While visiting a petting zoo, Caillou runs out of goat feed and starts to whine that he wants more quarters. His mom totally loses it and whales on him in front of everybody. She drags him out by the arm, tosses him in the car, then weeps while leaning her head on the steering wheel.

Seinfeld - "The Spittoon"
Jerry's new girlfriend has "the skunk eye".
George dents Laura San Giacomo's vintage spittoon.
Kramer gets his hands on a fan boat.
Elaine is mad at Puddy for some reason.

Live With Regis & Kelly - "Chain Fight Tonight (This Morning)"
Regis and Kelly interview Roland Gorchnick, the real-life inspiration for The Fonz. The Gorch puts on a chain fight demonstration that pits Regis against Kelly. Reege winds up ripping Kelly up, but good. Then they do a cooking segment with the Landers Sisters and Kelly has to hold a steak on her eye the whole time.

Small Wonder - "I'll Be Bahk"
Vicki, the Robot Girl, stands too close to a space heater and part of her circuitry melts. She starts to think she's a Terminator and targets her little brother Jamie for execution. Disaster is averted when the dad, Ted, takes a Sawzall to the Robot Girl and rebuilds her a little older and a lot hotter.

Magnum P.I. - "I Can't Believe We Ate The Whole Thing"
The guys go on a fishing trip and get stranded at sea. Eventually, Magnum, TC, and Rick are forced to eat Higgins. After being rescued by a Love Boat-style cruise ship, all three survivors start acting tight-assed and uppity like Higgins. There's a big scene where they're having dinner at the captain's table and they're talking all fancy and the whole crew is like, "Wha-?"

Featured Blog: The Deviled Ham Devil

Hola, amigos! Deviled Ham Devil here! Just back from P-Town ... tan, trim, and stinkin' o' gin! (I totally have to quit drinking. Until next Friday. Psych!!!)

Bri-Bri and I had the BEST freakin' time but now it's BACK TO LIFE ... BACK TO REALITY (bleah) but I'm actually really EXCITED so I don't know why I said bleah. Ignore me. Display.

What I'm excited about is the news that Bri-Bri and I have FINALLY (trumpet fanfare) rented the ANVIL FACTORY (choir of angels) and we're TOTALLY gonna be staging our cabaret piece DEVIL AND THE DEEP BLUE C-WORD. Not to be overly modest (moi?) but you guys are SOOO gonna LAP IT UP! Songs, characters, gossip (TONS of gossip), and the crème de la piece de la On No He Di'int! de resistence: the UNEDITED version of the time I tried to get Kristin Chenowith's autograph. Yessssss indeedy! Those of you who already know the story, ADORE the story ... and I think you're really gonna dig the full-stage, balls-out, director's cut, kung-fu grip version. Those of you who DON'T know the story … tickets are still available!!!

ANYhoo, la-dee-da, that's what's up in Deviled Hampshire. I'll keep you posted about the show AND my heart-wrenching battle with alcoholism. AS IF!!!



Advice for the Man in the Yellow Hat

Look, I don't want to tell you how to live your life. Obviously, you're a smart guy. You've travelled. In fact, you appear to be a scholar of some sort, right? Seems you spend a lot of time at the museum. That's neither here nor there.

My point is, you're not an idiot.

That being the case, I need you to help me understand what you're doing with that monkey. I've got nothing against monkeys, per se. I get that they're cute, they're playful. And yours in particular—I'm not saying he doesn't make me laugh—but all too often I see him get these really bad ideas, and you never seem to be around to staighten him out.

I don't mean to imply that you're completely neglectful. It's true, eventually, you turn up and make things right, which, believe me, is appreciated. But if you know that the monkey has bad ideas ... if you know he likes to start trouble ... why leave him unattended as often as you do?

Cognitively, where would you say a monkey stacks up against a human kid? I'm asking. Probably not a teenager, right? I'm guessing a monkey, on a good day, is operating at around the same level as a four year old. A four year with language deficiencies. That’s fair, right?

Okay, so, let's say I, myself, am living with a four year old with language deficiencies ... am I letting this kid walk down to the donut shop by himself? Am I letting him wander around a working farm unattended? Am I leaving him at the edge of a pond with a bag of marshmallows while I'm off working on my big speech to the museum’s board of directors or whatever?

I'm sure you love your job. And I have little doubt that you love your monkey. But seriously … somebody's going to wind up hurt. I don't think anybody wants to see that.

No, I'm not making a threat! I'm trying to help! Your monkey is out of control! He goes wherever he wants! He gets into everything! If he's a pet, he needs to be on a leash! If he's your son, then you need to be his goddam father and keep an eye on him!

I'm sorry to raise my voice, but this is kind of a sore spot with me. Why? Oh, I don't know, maybe because a certain monkey broke into my ice cream store after hours, ate an entire tub of Dutch Almond Fudge, then used the empty container to build a robot. And it's not like I'm out a single tub of ice cream. I don't think it would be very responsible of me to go selling ice cream that most likely had a monkey crawling all over it.

Ultimately, that's what I'm talking about ... responsibility. I don't want to get all up in your grill. I don't want to be a NARC about it. I just need you to take stock and understand that your monkey, while cute, is kind of running amok.

Are we good here?

Now, what can I get you? Cup or cone?

Whigs v. Whigs


Welch & Pyles Management, LLC. is proud to announce the formation of a bastardized version of the Afghan Whigs which will tour the U.S. throughout the spring and summer of 2009.

Bassist John Curley and drummer Paul Buchignani, the gentleman who replaced original drummer Steve Earle in 1995, have joined forces to form "John Curley's Afghan Whigs featuring Todd Dulli." Dulli, née Hauerchuk, a fork truck operator from Eau Claire, Wisconsin and ex-singer for unpopular Whigs tribute band, Fountain and Fairfax, is no relation to original Whigs singer Greg Dulli. The vocalist legally changed his name shortly after the release of Black Love, only to find, in the wake of 1998's poorly received 1965, that he could not change it back.

It is expected that around the same time Curley's tour kicks off, Rick McCollum and Greg Dulli himself will embark upon their own Whigs reunion tour, playing a series of dates backed by an African-American female drummer and, if at all possible, former members of The Posies. In August of 2009 both bands—Curley’s Whigs and (Greg) Dulli’s “The Original Afghan Whigs”—will appear on the same night at separate venues in Columbus, Ohio; the latter at a 500 seat theater, the former in the basement of a shitty club.

After their respective gigs, the two bands will run into each other at the same bar, words will be exchanged, and Dulli will strike Dulli/Hauerchuk with a napkin dispenser, resulting in a fine for Dulli and an insufferable party story for Dulli/Hauerchuk.

Kung Fu Panda: As Told By Henry, Age 5

Once upon a time there was once all the Furious Five and they were walking in the forest. All of the sudden, they found a big Kung Fu Panda named Po who shouted, "I wanna do Kung Fu!"

The Furious Five said, "Okay, then go and do Kung Fu."

All of the sudden, Tai Lung appeared and they fighted.

Then Po grabbed Tai Lung and said, "Tai Lung I'm gonna throw you out the window and you're gonna bump your head! WAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

And then Tai Lung went to jail. "Everybody was kung-fu fighting..." The End.