Tuesday, June 23, 2009

From the Warner Bros. Archive



Dear Mr. Jones:

While we appreciate the wit and craftsmanship on display in your new film, we take issue with your depiction of a false skunk being menaced by a very real, French-accented rapist skunk.

Though the skunk fails in his amorous pursuit, we still fear this film has the potential to offend a number of different groups including:

  • The French - who are known to be foul smelling.
  • Women's Rights Advocates - as the attempted fornication between skunk and false skunk is played for laughs rather than explored with genuine sensitivity.
  • Racial Purists - who may perceive tacit approval of inter-breeding in your portrayal of a cat-fucking skunk.
  • Animal lovers - who probably know something about skunks that we don't and just love to fire off tons of angry letters as if people are really supposed to give a shit.
We sincerely hope that you accept these notes in the spirit in which they are given; which is to say, please amend your film promptly and accordingly.

Very truly yours,


Thursday, June 18, 2009

Retro TV Schedule, Slightly Altered

Marcus Welby, M.D. A kindly, unorthodox doctor differs with his strait-laced young partner as they tackle some common and not-so-common medical conditions ... like whooping herpes.

Quincy, M.E. A Los Angeles medical examiner uses his medical training and intelligence to solve a mystery and prove that a foul deed caused a corpse to end up in the morgue ... Tony Randall does not stop by often enough.

Kojak A tough, incorruptible, independent-minded, lollipop-licking police detective strives to keep the streets of New York City free of crime ... not as smokin' hot as it sounds.

Dragnet A no-nonsense detective with the Los Angeles Police Department and his partner fight crime by tracking down criminals and bringing them to justice ... and lecturing hippies at length.

The Incredible Hulk The adventures of scientist Bruce Banner, the unfortunate recipient of a lethal dose of gamma radiation that causes him to change into a furious green giant ... who'll smash his way straight to your funny bone!

Knight Rider An undercover police officer teams up with a futuristic talking car to battle the criminal enemies of the Knight foundation ... a non-profit organization dedicated to providing voice over work for William Daniels.

The A-Team An elite commando unit is unjustly sent to prison but they escape in order to form a team of soldiers of fortune who fight injustice and crime ... and fools, whom they pity.

Magnum, P.I. A former Naval officer agrees to provide security for a millionaire in exchange for living on his estate while doing private investigation work on the side ... unaired final episode features surprise double wedding of Magnum, Higgins, and their mustaches.

The Rockford Files An ex-con who was pardoned for a crime he didn't commit is an easy-going private investigator who takes on difficult cases with the help of his close friends ... absolutely everybody on the show looks like someone your dad used to hang out with.

Simon & Simon Brothers Rick and A.J. Simon share daring exploits as they work together in their private investigations firm located in San Diego ... the one dude heard this a lot: "I'm sorry, but that part went to Ryan O'Neal," while the other got this: "They're going with Dabney Coleman."


Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Ineffective Wrestlers

  • Kid Endnotes
  • The Masked Staples Associate
  • Kamala the Ugandan Visiting Professor
  • The Cuddler
  • Assistant to the Undersecretary of Pain
  • King Kong Fuckup
  • Microsoft Wrestler, Millennium Edition
  • Sgt. Tolerance
  • El Conejito
  • Lord Posture
  • The Repaginator
  • Curt From Accounting
  • The Blogger

Friday, May 29, 2009

A Message To Messrs. Craig & Jackman

From: E. Myricks

Sent: Friday, May 29, 2009 9:51 AM
To: dc007@yahoo.com; huge-ackman@netzero.net
Subject: Something To Think About

Hey guys:

Saw the news in
Playbill. Very exciting! While I'm sure this "Rain" thing is fantastic, and, obviously, selling tix won't be a problem, I can't help but feel there are OTHER plays out there that would be EVEN MORE effective at pulling in your target audience (i.e. The Ladies from NJ).

Attached, please find the following scripts for your consideration:

· Tender Are the Shirtless
· Hold My Hand While I'm Dying of Something
· The Vagina Whisperer
· Mancakes & Sausage
· Deux Chefs!

Take a gander and let me know what you think. I realize I'm not exactly a Broadway insider, but I think I know a little something about theatre ... my plays have been seen by tens of people in upwards of two cities (Boston AND Cambridge).



Thursday, May 28, 2009

Print In Peril

From: E. Myricks
Thursday, May 28, 2009 3:40 PM

To: All Staff
Subject: Magazine Closings

Due to ongoing declines in ad revenue, the following underperforming titles will be shuttered as of June 1:
  • Tiger Teen
  • Smore Fancier
  • Awkward Lad
  • Modern Smelting
  • Invalidated Science Digest
  • Smug Cigar Chewer
  • Lies From London!
  • Autograph Fucker
  • Popular Skank
Many thanks to the entire staff for all their support over the years; excepting, of course, those in advertising who have killed us all and will never wipe clean the blood on their hands.



Friday, May 22, 2009

The Quiet Contest

Henry and his dad engage in an epic battle.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Enter The Tetragon

Four-sided polygon to some, mere quadrilateral to others, but to a hearty few, The Tetragon is an unforgiving space in which limits are tested and foes are bested.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Subsidiary Forced To Move Back In With Parent Company

After six years on their own, Eastern Wealth Partners has decided to move back in with parent company, G.F.M. Worldwide. No word yet where exactly the company will be staying as Eastern's old room was converted into a "sewing room" shortly after they started renting their own place downtown in June 2003. When it was suggested that Eastern could just squeeze into the guest room for the time being, the company was reminded that the cat took that room over "years ago."

Though both parties agree the move is necessary, tensions are high as G.F.M. Worldwide has made a number of passive-aggressive comments about the amount of stuff Eastern is planning on bringing into already tight quarters.

Executives with the firm have stated that the move is
"only temporary" and they plan on being back on their own in "six months ... a year, tops." Wall Street analysts as well as the company's girlfriend, Michele, are less optimistic.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Prostitute Hit Hard By Economic Crisis, Pimp

Thanks to heavy market losses and the on-going credit crunch, people everywhere have been feeling the pinch, but, more often as of late, Krystal "Honey Dip" Novotny has also been feeling the bejewled-backhand of her mentor and business manager Troy "Dazz" Randazzo. Novotny reports that she hasn't seen this kind of "correction" since the fall of 2001 when Randazzo lost $633 on a dog fight.

While consumers all across America become more familiar with the pain of belt-tightening, far fewer have had to get used to the sting of said belt across their already tender buttocks as has Novotny.

"It's my own fault," says Novotny, a long time veteran of Randazzo's sales force who has twice been named his Top Lady. "Sure, times are tough, but Dazz said it best —
a good sales rep can transcend downturns in the market. It's obvious to me that I'm just no good and I deserve everything I get."

Since the summer, Novotny has endured a 36% drop in volume as well as a broken arm, and she fears that things will worsen before they improve.

"I'm hoping business will pick up in the spring, but I don't know," says Novotny. "Dazz says bitches like me have been ruining economies since the time of the ancient Rominians. I'm just now starting to understand where he's coming from."

In an effort to boost sales, Novotny will be appearing near various ATMs in faux-satin stilettos and a tight-fitting t-shirt that reads "Show Me Your Stimulus Package."


Thursday, March 12, 2009

What Do You Think Our Our Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland Will Be Like?

  • Waterworld
  • The Postman
  • Swing Vote
  • Old Mall Near the Y
  • Harry Dean Stanton's Dressing Room
  • Nana's attic if Nana had marauding cannibals up there
  • Comicon Phoenix
  • Route 9 IHOP, 3:07 AM Thursday
  • Cormac McCarthy's The Road
  • Cormac McCarthy-penned episode of Blossom (unaired)
  • Six Flags Fallujah
  • The Replacements van after Hootenanny tour
  • Modesto only with more people wearing jumpsuits


Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

The Good News

  • Mideast Peace Talks To Resume Aboard Willie Nelson's Tour Bus
  • Study: A Little Bacon Won't Kill Ya
  • New Principal Friendlier Than You'd Think
  • Favorite Seat Vacant
  • Opinion: Isn't It Nice How All The Temptations Get A Turn?
  • Enough For Another Bowl Of Corn Pops Left
  • Seinfeld Rerun Not From Season One
  • Living Beatles Get Along, Dead Beatles Get Along
  • Critics Agree: Your Version Of Shitty Movie Would Have Been Better

Monday, March 2, 2009

Friday, February 6, 2009

Don't Tell Kenny Loggins You Love "The Gambler"

If ever you find yourself in an elevator in Century City and realize you're standing next to Kenny Loggins, here are a few helpful hints:
  • Do not tell him you love "The Gambler."
  • When he asks, incredulously, "What did you say?" do not reply, "You know … 'The Gambler' … 'On a warm summer's eve…' Fuckin' classic."
  • Do not be surprised when he says in response, "That's Kenny Rogers, you doucher."
  • If he pulls out a Best Pop Vocal Grammy for "This Is It," points at the engraving and says, "Read that back to me. What does that say?" do as he says. Read it aloud.
  • Do not snort after he asks, "Gonna ask me about Six Pack next? Goon."
  • VERY IMPORTANT: Do not apologize for your error as this will only fuel his indignation and produce comments such as: "You want to know the difference between Kenny Loggins and Kenny Rogers? How many Kenny Rogers hits did Kenny Rogers write? Yeah. And how many Kenny Loggins hits did Kenny Loggins write? Exactly. You go up to Kenny Rogers and say, "'Nightwatch'?… Killer stuff." That's an upgrade. Kenny Rogers gets an instant upgrade. You confuse me with Kenny Rogers … that's a kick in the taint. Seriously. This one isn't on Kenny Loggins … this one's on you."
  • And, lastly, do not perform the Caddyshack gopher dance behind his back as he's exiting the elevator.


Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Springsteen Hastily Reworks Super Bowl Setlist During 2nd Quarter

Bruce Springsteen was thrown into a panic on Sunday when he and the E-Street Band arrived at Tampa Bay's Raymond James Stadium late in the second quarter and saw the size of the venue in which they were to perform.

"As everyone knows, I'm most comfortable in an intimate setting," said Springsteen. "Imagine my surprise when Roy [Bittan, pianist] pulled the van up to this monstrosity and said, 'Well, folks, unless Google Maps is dead wrong, this is it.'"

According to Springsteen, the original set list included "Mary Queen of Arkansas," and a suite of songs from Devils and Dust. The closer was to be "This Hard Land" from his 1998 closet-cleaning box set Tracks.

"The original plan was to go all acoustic. Thank goodness Max was already out in the parking lot tailgating with Conan and those guys. It was just dumb luck that he had drums in his camper at all."

While The Boss still questions whether or not "Glory Days" was "the exact right song" to pull out during a sporting event,
he's thankful that the gospel choir he ran into backstage agreed to join him on "Working On A Dream."

"I'm telling you, if the Cardinals didn't ask to review that James Harrison interception right before the half, I don't think we would have had time to teach it to them."

Going forward, Springsteen's wife/road manager Patti Scialfa has vowed to do a better job obtaining more specific information concerning venue. Next up for the E-Streeters is a battle of the bands at SeƱor Taco's in Warrensburg, Missouri.

Monday, January 19, 2009