Don't Tell Kenny Loggins You Love "The Gambler"

If ever you find yourself in an elevator in Century City and realize you're standing next to Kenny Loggins, here are a few helpful hints:

• Do not tell him you love "The Gambler."
• When he asks, incredulously, "What did you say?" do not reply, "You know … 'The Gambler' … 'On a warm summer's eve…' Fuckin' classic."
• Do not be surprised when he says in response, "That's Kenny Rogers, you doucher."
• If he pulls out a Best Pop Vocal Grammy for "This Is It," points at the engraving and says, "Read that back to me. What does that say?" do as he says. Read it aloud.
• Do not snort after he asks, "Gonna ask me about Six Pack next? Goon."
• VERY IMPORTANT: Do not apologize for your error as this will only fuel his indignation and produce comments such as: "You want to know the difference between Kenny Loggins and Kenny Rogers? How many Kenny Rogers hits did Kenny Rogers write? Yeah. And how many Kenny Loggins hits did Kenny Loggins write? Exactly. You go up to Kenny Rogers and say, "'Nightwatch'?… Killer stuff." That's an upgrade. Kenny Rogers gets an instant upgrade. You confuse me with Kenny Rogers … that's a kick in the taint. Seriously. This one isn't on Kenny Loggins … this one's on you."
• And, lastly, do not perform the Caddyshack gopher dance behind his back as he's exiting the elevator.

EM