Friday, November 21, 2008

Bush Apologizes for Ruining Country and Stuff

Last evening, shortly after supper, President George W. Bush knocked on the nation's front door and delivered a mumbled forty-five second apology while his father, former President George H.W. Bush, stood behind him on the nation's walkway.

"Sorry I crashed your country," muttered Bush, eyes downcast, hands jammed in his pockets.

"And?..." prompted H.W. from the shadows.

"And I'm sorry about all the war stuff and the crummy economy."

"And?..." interjected the elder Bush with growing impatience.

"And the torture and Katrina and everything ... Can we go now?"

The senior Bush then took his son by the ear, apologized for his son's dreadful behavior, and led the president back to the car, where mother Barbara Bush awaited.

Witnesses report that as the car was pulling away, the president received a swift backhand from his mother, who advised the leader of the free world not to cry lest she "give [him] something to cry about."

Top administration officials report that Bush has lost all PlayStation privileges for a month and can only go online for "work-related purposes."


Thursday, November 20, 2008

Sexism In Brief

Girl Astronaut Loses Tote Bag In Space
NASA suspicious of huge meal waiting for them as they return home from work.

For those who don't like the sexist option, we would like to offer:

Astronaut Loses Tool Bag
Tool Bag claims he wasn't that into astronaut in the first place.

And those who don't like either option might want to go

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Music Miscellany

1967 - Theremin player wondering if Brian Wilson's in-studio antics will result in some sweet O.T.

1972 - On tour in Pennsylvania, David Johansen can't find pantyhose he likes.

1974 - Bay City Rollers spend all night working on song that wasn't any good at 9:30 PM.

1975 - Out shopping, Little Steven spends way too much time trying on white shoes; Professor Roy Bittan wanders off to look at watches.

1977 - Roadie tries out Peter Framton's talk-box; surprised to find it tastes like Fruit Stripe gum.

1981 - Eddie Money blows $8.75 on Ms. Pac Man.

1984 - Guitarist/sax player from Huey Lewis & the News runs into Men At Work's flutist/sax player at MTV event. They briefly talk about reeds before awkwardly turning from each other and searching the crowd for Huey Lewis and Colin Hay respectively.

1986 - On the set of the "Sledgehammer" video, bassist Tony Levin steals a couple grapes from Peter Gabriel's face between shots.

1988 - J Mascis does that thing where he hits the gas right before Lou Barlow can get in the van, pulls away a bit, stops, yells out the window, "Last time, seriously..." then proceeds to do it four more times.

1989 - Killing time at a Dunkin Donuts, Robyn Hitchcock wonders if he can get away with rhyming "kruller" with "fuller".

1991 - After frantically checking pockets, Eddie Vedder realizes he left wallet chained to other pair of ratty cargo shorts.

1993 - Tom Waits spends an hour-and-a-half talking to the guy in the booth at the junkyard.

1995 - Weezer gets all amped up on Mountain Dew and watches Evil Dead 2.

1996 - Eddie Money blows $350 on PlayStation.

1999 - Between shows at a festival, one of The Stokes trades jeans with one of The Hives. They find it hilarious; no one else in either band much cares.

2000 - Jeff Tweedy shaves beard, leaves mustache and sideburns, has breakfast, returns to bathroom to shave off mustache and sideburns.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Cinnabon Executive Still Hearing It About "Love Guru" Tie-In

Be they goofs or gaffes, blunders or boners, we all make mistakes. This being so, you would think people might be a little more understanding when something goes awry.

Evidently, people of this stripe do not work in the Cinnabon corporate office.

I'm the first to admit that I booted it. Hitching our summer movie tie-in campaign to Mike Myers' The Love Guru, was less than wise, but does that really give my co-workers unlimited license to ride me like a donkey and take huge chunks out of my ass with their endless sarcasm and derision?

"Hey, Ted, got any other can't miss propositions for us?"

"Is it too late for us to get involved with Speed Racer?"

"As a Hindu and a junior marketing associate, I would just like to say to you, sir ... [fart]."

Put yourself in my shoes: This guy is Austin Powers! He's Shrek! How was I to know that America would stay away from this movie like dropped from a pig's fundament?

You don't think I stay up nights wishing I could take it all back? You don't think I fantasize about flying into orbit like Superman, counteracting the Earth's normal rotation, going back in time to that first meeting, and kicking myself in the face?

Oh, how I rue the day I hooked us up with that polished turd thinking it would help us penetrate the Asian subcontinent's cinnamon snack market.

Do you people really see the need to continue beating up on me when life (or perhaps it's karma) has already done such a fine job?

Here's an example: late summer, I'm walking through the mall with my kids, it's long after the movie has already tanked, but still there's Mr. Myers' leering mug staring at us from behind the Minibons and Chillatas. I pick up the pace, trying to make it over to The Disney Store when my oldest, Tyler, asks, "Did you work on that one, Daddy?"

Demoralizing? You bet'cha. Kick in the balls? And how.

So, how 'bout it, folks, can we put an end to all this? Nobody needs to have his failures thrown back in his face over and over. Phil, I'm guessing you'd rather not be forced to relive the "Fudgabon" debacle any time soon. And, Carrie, I know you'll happily go to your grave without hearing the phrase "Glazegate" ever again.

I boned it, I own it, I'm sorry.

Now, let's talk about who's taking the lead on this Obamabon roll out.


Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Doobie Brothers Reunite To Build Deck

Seventies classic rockers The Doobie Brothers reunited over the weekend to help guitarist Pat Simmons put a new deck on his house, replacing the one he and son his Josh tore down over the Labor Day weekend.

Numerous Doobies, some of whom have been out of the picture since 1972's Toulouse Street, gathered at Simmons' home shortly after 9:00 AM on Saturday, armed with circular saws, hammers, and plenty of salty stories from The Road.

Guitarist Jeff "Skunk" Baxter, late of Steely Dan, quickly installed himself as "Railing Master" and predicted that the finished deck would be the group's "most lasting creation since Minute By Minute," the 1978 release which spent five weeks at number one and spawned the hit single "What A Fool Believes."

While former singer Michael McDonald was unable to attend the build, he did arrange to have six large pizzas and some Coke Zero delivered to his former band mates around 12:30.

Citing "previous commitments," "Skunk" Baxter and drummer John Hartman departed mid-afternoon and were replaced by ex-Clover guitarist John McFee, session drummer Chet McCracken and former Moby Grape saxophonist Cornelius Bumpus, who took over work on the stairs.

Vocalist/guitarist Tom Johnston, who left before noon complaining of a stomach ailment, returned late in the day to help with the clean up.

After thanking the Brothers for all their help, Simmons told them they were all invited back the following Sunday "if [they] felt like doing some staining." Briefly, there was talk of ordering some take-out and maybe even taking a run at "China Grove," but everyone looked pretty tired, and a decision was made to call it a night.

Simmons' wife, Cris, turned off the outside light before the last Doobie was out of the driveway.


Thursday, November 6, 2008

Rendition Interrupts Blogging

Hey there, Blogosphere:

Sorry I've been out of action, but shortly after running the Todd Palin Man-Cave post, I was taken from my home, loaded onto a Gulfstream and flown to one of those C.I.A. Black Sites the New Yorker can't shut up about.

What follows are some of the stories I didn't get a chance to develop in the run up to the election thanks to all of the stress positions and waterboarding I was subjected to during my re-education.

By the by, George W. Bush is the finest president the United States has ever produced and Dick Cheney is descended from angels that smell of pumpkin pie.

Now for some headlines:

  • Bush Suffering From "Senioritis" - Advisors say president has been skipping meetings, playing a lot of Guitar Hero, hanging out in Burger King parking lot
  • Muslim Socialist Terrorist Just Now Realizing Name Change Would Have Made Evil Rise To Power That Much Easier

  • McCain Asks Lorne Michaels If He's In The Market For "Hartman-esque" Utility Guy

  • Undecided Voter Can't Make A Goddamn Decision About Lunch Either

  • Tim Robbins Purged From Voter Roll After Election Official Catches Erik The Viking On Cable

  • Stoner Can't Remember If It's Yes On Question 2 Or No

  • Democrats Fail To Lose White House - Millions baffled by news of non-loss
  • McCain Didn't Want To Be Stupid President Of Jerkass Country Anyway
  • Gay Marriage Defeated By Voters Defeated By Straight Marriage

  • Cheney Has Page Help Him Carry Shitload Of Office Supplies Out To Car

  • McCain Team Drops Palin Off At Bus Station