Thursday, December 4, 2008

Gen X-er Wonders Why She's Never Heard of "Mystery Men"

Ten minutes into a syndicated broadcast of Mystery Men, a thirtysomething mother of two wondered aloud how she missed the very existence of this superhero comedy originally released in 1999.

"I mean, look at this thing ... Bill Macy, Hank Azaria, Geoffrey Rush, Eddie Izzard, Janeane Garofalo ... these are some of my favorite people," said the puzzled viewer. "Tom Waits is in it. Paul Reubens. I think I even saw Louise Lasser in there. And, yeah, I'm not the biggest Ben Stiller fan, but in 1999 he was still kind of on the Mr. Show side of the fence. How is it possible that this movie utterly failed to enter my realm of consciousness before tonight?"

After remarking on Greg Kinnear's not unfunny portrayal of Captain Amazing, the woman continued, "Maybe I was busy at the time, but it came out before the kids came along, so ... really ... how busy could I have been?"

Watching up to the third commercial break – not thoroughly unamused but less than completely engaged in the comedic plot involving low-rent superheroes such as The Shoveler and The Bowler – the woman opted to abandon the film and check out the Ricky Gervais stand-up special a friend had burned for her instead.


Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Dude Mourns Don Knotts Two Years Too Late

So we're watching that terrible show where the comics are sitting around pretending to have an actual conversation but they're really just doing their acts, and what's-her-face's roommate says something about Don Knotts being dead.

So I'm like, "Barney Fife? Mr. Limpet? No way."

Of course, I'm totally bummed, so I hop on the web to see if I can get some more info, and I start seeing all this shit from February '06.

Wait a second ... Don Knotts has been dead since February '06 and I'm just hearing about it now?

So now I'm even more bummed … like I betrayed him in some way, you know?

Cut to yesterday, I'm talking to Hutchins … just general talk ... and I bring up Don Knotts and my feelings of guilt, and he goes: "Dude, we talked about this, like, two years ago, 'member? What's-her-face's roommate was seeing that guy from Cranston and we were all at that bar and the old guy working the door with the terrible tattoo brought up The Ghost and Mr. Chicken and you were like, "Did you guys hear that Don Knotts died?"

So now I'm kinda torn between being really, supremely bummed and not bummed at all: not bummed because it turns out I did pay my respects to ol' D.K., but supremely bummed because, clearly, my brain is rusting out from under me.

But whatever, this isn't about me. This is about Don Knotts being dead. May angels sing you to your rest, funny man. Retroactively.

Is it true that Paul Newman died?

What a shit-assed world.
EM @

Monday, December 1, 2008

Popular Thanksgiving Exclamations

  • "Let's eat!"
  • "Everything looks so delicious!"
  • "Nice job, mom!" (sincere)
  • "Nice job, mom!" (sarcastic)
  • "Of course I'm drunk!"
  • "I don't hate you just everything about you!"
  • "It ain't Thanksgiving until someone pees on dessert!"
  • "He's not my President-Elect, toots!"
  • "You want the bird, go in the alley and eat the bird!"
  • "I prefer squash pie ... and dudes!"
  • "Dear lord, do the Lions bite!"
  • "We get it! The white man is to blame! Just pass the goddam cranberry sauce!"
  • "She's my sister and my daughter!"
  • "Nobody wants to hear your stupid song, Sufjan!"
  • "Those aren't parsnips!"
  • "Hey, kid! No fries in the ball-pit!"
  • "Hey-oh!"