Tuesday, September 28, 2010

New Listing

Spacious modified castle offering 6 large bedrooms on 2nd level, eat-in kitchen, formal dining room w/fireplace and built-ins, living room & family room. Additional amenities include:

  • Room of Eyeballs
  • Whitch World
  • Lake of Blood
  • Scull Heads
  • Goast Alley
  • Knight Ax
  • Librery
Property is owned by the architect who has set the asking price at "nine hundred and ninety nine moneys." Serious offers only.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Listen Up, Fairy

The Kid lost two teeth in two days. After the first one came out, he wrote a letter to the Tooth Fairy requesting the following:
  • A book about how to become a Musketeer.
  • A Musketeer costume.
  • A Musketeer sword (which he promised -- "cross my heart, ten times" -- to not use on people, only bullies).
  • And a bookmark (so that he can keep his place in the book about how to become a Musketeer).
The Tooth Fairy did not leave any of these things. Instead, she left a set of Spider-Man markers.

While this gift was received with gratitude, The Kid was not shy about communicating just how little it had to do with his request.

After the second tooth fell out, he sat down and wrote the following. (Transcipt follows.)

Dear Tooth Fairy:

This is a real bluddy tooth. It is not a white rock. It is not a white pebble and it is NOT ... a ROCK that has been painted in red paint to look like blood. IT IS A REAL TOOTH. Please get my four items.


I'm not exactly sure where he got the idea that the Tooth Fairy doubted the authenticity of the first tooth and that her skepticism informed her choice of gift.

I'll let you know if she delivers the goods this time around.


Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Additional Questions for Elena Kagan

1. The 1954 Brown v. Board of Education decision overruled the 1896 Plessy v. Ferguson ruling that "separate but equal" facilities for African Americans and whites were constitutional. Which is the better album Stand! or Let It Bleed?

2. In Berghuis v. Thompkins, the court eroded the landmark 1966 Miranda v. Arizona opinion holding that a suspect had a constitutional right to remain silent. Would you say you’re more of a Miranda or a Samantha?

3. Observers believe that your service in President Clinton's White House shows that you hold broad views of presidential power to, for example, detain terrorism suspects indefinitely. Would you support an executive order that puts Morrissey and Marr back in the studio together?

4. Some justices consult international law when they resolve issues, such as whether evolving standards of decency preclude the juvenile death penalty because it is cruel and unusual punishment under the Eighth Amendment. That aside: Alito, Scalia, Thomas—F, Marry or Kill?


Tuesday, June 1, 2010

All-Purpose Cover Letter

To: Big Time Publisher
Re: My Kickass Manuscript

Dear Person Who Couldn't Care Less But Should:

You don't know me, but I'm awesome. Me me me. Awesome awesome awesome. You should buy my shit and sell it and we'll both make gobs of money.

So-and-so thinks I'm awesome. Don't believe me? Check out WRITTEN PROOF OF MY AWESOMENESS enclosed herein.

I'm sure you get letters everyday from people telling you how awesome they are. Well, I can assure they're not. In fact, those people are dicks. How do I know? Look at my shit (and how awesome it is) then compare it to their shitty shit.

Case closed.

Don't be like that guy who didn't sign The Beatles when he had a chance. That guy fucked it big time and you will fuck it even BIGGER time if you don't take me on today.

Did I mention I'm awesome?

Do me a favor ... take all that other shit on your desk and light it on fire. Right now. DO IT. Now cut me a big check that says "For awesomeness" on the memo line.

Thank you in advance for your consideration.


Thursday, May 27, 2010

What Am I Dealing With Here?

Innocent youngster just learning to spell or precocious hipster taking a stab at drug humor?