To: Big Time Publisher
Re: My Kickass Manuscript
Dear Person Who Couldn't Care Less But Should:
You don't know me, but I'm awesome. Me me me. Awesome awesome awesome. You should buy my shit and sell it and we'll both make gobs of money.
So-and-so thinks I'm awesome. Don't believe me? Check out WRITTEN PROOF OF MY AWESOMENESS enclosed herein.
I'm sure you get letters everyday from people telling you how awesome they are. Well, I can assure they're not. In fact, those people are dicks. How do I know? Look at my shit (and how awesome it is) then compare it to their shitty shit.
Don't be like that guy who didn't sign The Beatles when he had a chance. That guy fucked it big time and you will fuck it even BIGGER time if you don't take me on today.
Did I mention I'm awesome?
Do me a favor ... take all that other shit on your desk and light it on fire. Right now. DO IT. Now cut me a big check that says "For awesomeness" on the memo line.
Thank you in advance for your consideration.