Prostitute Hit Hard By Economic Crisis, Pimp

Thanks to heavy market losses and the on-going credit crunch, people everywhere have been feeling the pinch, but, more often as of late, Krystal "Honey Dip" Novotny has also been feeling the bejewled-backhand of her mentor and business manager Troy "Dazz" Randazzo. Novotny reports that she hasn't seen this kind of "correction" since the fall of 2001 when Randazzo lost $633 on a dog fight.

While consumers all across America become more familiar with the pain of belt-tightening, far fewer have had to get used to the sting of said belt across their already tender buttocks as has Novotny.

"It's my own fault," says Novotny, a long time veteran of Randazzo's sales force who has twice been named his Top Lady. "Sure, times are tough, but Dazz said it best — a good sales rep can transcend downturns in the market. It's obvious to me that I'm just no good and I deserve everything I get."

Since the summer, Novotny has endured a 36% drop in volume as well as a broken arm, and she fears that things will worsen before they improve.

"I'm hoping business will pick up in the spring, but I don't know," says Novotny. "Dazz says bitches like me have been ruining economies since the time of the ancient Rominians. I'm just now starting to understand where he's coming from."

In an effort to boost sales, Novotny will be appearing near various ATMs in faux-satin stilettos and a tight-fitting t-shirt that reads "Show Me Your Stimulus Package."
EM