My Spec Scripts

For those of you not in The Biz, "spec script" is slang for "speculative script," an original screenplay that has not been commissioned by a studio or production company. (I'm not really sure what "The Biz" is slang for.) The only script that's come close to breaking through is the last one: I got it to Larry Manetti's people ... they seemed to dig it.

Saved By The Bell - "Smarmageddon"
Screech plans a school shooting. Zach tries to talk him out of it. Screech relents and shoots only Zach. The B story involves a couple of the other assholes staying up all night cramming for a test.

The Office - "That's Not Even Funny"
The entire episode is composed of a single 22-minute take in which everybody is actually working: taking customer calls, trying to figure out something in Excel, making copies, etc. Even Michael just sort of sits there and works without doing anything too stupid. It's a commentary on how bad work really blows. It's a gamble, but it could win an Emmy for bravery.

Caillou - "Things Are Going To Be Different Around Here"
While visiting a petting zoo, Caillou runs out of goat feed and starts to whine that he wants more quarters. His mom totally loses it and whales on him in front of everybody. She drags him out by the arm, tosses him in the car, then weeps while leaning her head on the steering wheel.

Seinfeld - "The Spittoon"
Jerry's new girlfriend has "the skunk eye".
George dents Laura San Giacomo's vintage spittoon.
Kramer gets his hands on a fan boat.
Elaine is mad at Puddy for some reason.

Live With Regis & Kelly - "Chain Fight Tonight (This Morning)"
Regis and Kelly interview Roland Gorchnick, the real-life inspiration for The Fonz. The Gorch puts on a chain fight demonstration that pits Regis against Kelly. Reege winds up ripping Kelly up, but good. Then they do a cooking segment with the Landers Sisters and Kelly has to hold a steak on her eye the whole time.

Small Wonder - "I'll Be Bahk"
Vicki, the Robot Girl, stands too close to a space heater and part of her circuitry melts. She starts to think she's a Terminator and targets her little brother Jamie for execution. Disaster is averted when the dad, Ted, takes a Sawzall to the Robot Girl and rebuilds her a little older and a lot hotter.

Magnum P.I. - "I Can't Believe We Ate The Whole Thing"
The guys go on a fishing trip and get stranded at sea. Eventually, Magnum, TC, and Rick are forced to eat Higgins. After being rescued by a Love Boat-style cruise ship, all three survivors start acting tight-assed and uppity like Higgins. There's a big scene where they're having dinner at the captain's table and they're talking all fancy and the whole crew is like, "Wha-?"