Monday, September 22, 2008

U.S. Fat, Has Nice Personality

Hey Finland. We're all pretty bummed that things didn't work out between you and Norway. It's tough, I know, you seemed perfect for each other. (Personally, I blame Sweden for coming between you, but … whatever … not my place.)

Anyway, I just wanted to toss it out there … if you're interested … the U.S. is totally available, and I know for a fact—

Why are you looking at me like that?

Of course the U.S. would be into you. Why would you even— You're cute, you're intelligent, your healthcare system is ranked 31st by the World Health Organization …

Wait a minute. I know what this is about.

It's because the U.S. fat, isn't it?

No, Finland, you didn't say it, but you're thinking it.

Look, I'm not gonna blow smoke … the U.S. could stand to drop a few pounds … what country in the industrialized world couldn't? But the States has such an awesome personality, I'm positive you two would have lots of fun together.

What are they into? What aren't they into? Music, movies, tv, video games …

…and restaurants, yes (very funny). But they love the outdoors, too. Sometimes. I'm sure if you asked them to go hiking or whatever they'd give it a try. I know for a fact the U.S. loves to dance. And funny? Oh my God, the U.S. is so funny. Way funnier than Norway.

They can be a bit racist (but so can you, Finland, be honest). And they have been known to start fights … particularly while drunk … but that's all part of what makes them exciting!

I'll tell you what, let me give you their cell … give 'em a call, send 'em a text, see if anything clicks … totally no pressure.

Do you bowl? Because the U.S. loves to bowl, and that would be a great first date—social, active—we can double if you want. I'll bring Peru, they're up for anything.


Just give it a shot. What have you got to lose? One night of your life.

No, I don't have Canada's number. Anyway, I'm pretty sure they're still seeing Portugal.

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1 comment:

Dan Milstein said...

Yet another "oh my god, where did this insanely fantastic idea come from?". Woo, woo...