What Do You Think Our Our Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland Will Be Like?

• Waterworld
• The Postman
• Swing Vote
• Old Mall Near the Y
• Harry Dean Stanton's Dressing Room
• Nana's attic if Nana had marauding cannibals up there
• Comicon Phoenix
• Route 9 IHOP, 3:07 AM Thursday
• Cormac McCarthy's The Road
• Cormac McCarthy-penned episode of Blossom (unaired)
• Six Flags Fallujah
• The Replacements van after Hootenanny tour
• Modesto only with more people wearing jumpsuits

EMEM

Munchkin Index

The Good News

• Mideast Peace Talks To Resume Aboard Willie Nelson's Tour Bus
• Study: A Little Bacon Won't Kill Ya
• New Principal Friendlier Than You'd Think
• Favorite Seat Vacant
• Opinion: Isn't It Nice How All The Temptations Get A Turn?
• Enough For Another Bowl Of Corn Pops Left
• Seinfeld Rerun Not From Season One
• Living Beatles Get Along, Dead Beatles Get Along
• Critics Agree: Your Version Of Shitty Movie Would Have Been Better

G.a.S. Index

Don't Tell Kenny Loggins You Love "The Gambler"

If ever you find yourself in an elevator in Century City and realize you're standing next to Kenny Loggins, here are a few helpful hints:

• Do not tell him you love "The Gambler."
• When he asks, incredulously, "What did you say?" do not reply, "You know … 'The Gambler' … 'On a warm summer's eve…' Fuckin' classic."
• Do not be surprised when he says in response, "That's Kenny Rogers, you doucher."
• If he pulls out a Best Pop Vocal Grammy for "This Is It," points at the engraving and says, "Read that back to me. What does that say?" do as he says. Read it aloud.
• Do not snort after he asks, "Gonna ask me about Six Pack next? Goon."
• VERY IMPORTANT: Do not apologize for your error as this will only fuel his indignation and produce comments such as: "You want to know the difference between Kenny Loggins and Kenny Rogers? How many Kenny Rogers hits did Kenny Rogers write? Yeah. And how many Kenny Loggins hits did Kenny Loggins write? Exactly. You go up to Kenny Rogers and say, "'Nightwatch'?… Killer stuff." That's an upgrade. Kenny Rogers gets an instant upgrade. You confuse me with Kenny Rogers … that's a kick in the taint. Seriously. This one isn't on Kenny Loggins … this one's on you."
• And, lastly, do not perform the Caddyshack gopher dance behind his back as he's exiting the elevator.

EM

Springsteen Hastily Reworks Super Bowl Setlist During 2nd Quarter

Bruce Springsteen was thrown into a panic on Sunday when he and the E-Street Band arrived at Tampa Bay's Raymond James Stadium late in the second quarter and saw the size of the venue in which they were to perform.

"As everyone knows, I'm most comfortable in an intimate setting," said Springsteen. "Imagine my surprise when Roy [Bittan, pianist] pulled the van up to this monstrosity and said, 'Well, folks, unless Google Maps is dead wrong, this is it.'"

According to Springsteen, the original set list included "Mary Queen of Arkansas," and a suite of songs from Devils and Dust. The closer was to be "This Hard Land" from his 1998 closet-cleaning box set Tracks.

"The original plan was to go all acoustic. Thank goodness Max was already out in the parking lot tailgating with Conan and those guys. It was just dumb luck that he had drums in his camper at all."

While The Boss still questions whether or not "Glory Days" was "the exact right song" to pull out during a sporting event, he's thankful that the gospel choir he ran into backstage agreed to join him on "Working On A Dream."

"I'm telling you, if the Cardinals didn't ask to review that James Harrison interception right before the half, I don't think we would have had time to teach it to them."

Going forward, Springsteen's wife/road manager Patti Scialfa has vowed to do a better job obtaining more specific information concerning venue. Next up for the E-Streeters is a battle of the bands at Señor Taco's in Warrensburg, Missouri.
EM

Gen X-er Wonders Why She's Never Heard of "Mystery Men"

Ten minutes into a syndicated broadcast of Mystery Men, a thirtysomething mother of two wondered aloud how she missed the very existence of this superhero comedy originally released in 1999.

"I mean, look at this thing ... Bill Macy, Hank Azaria, Geoffrey Rush, Eddie Izzard, Janeane Garofalo ... these are some of my favorite people," said the puzzled viewer. "Tom Waits is in it. Paul Reubens. I think I even saw Louise Lasser in there. And, yeah, I'm not the biggest Ben Stiller fan, but in 1999 he was still kind of on the Mr. Show side of the fence. How is it possible that this movie utterly failed to enter my realm of consciousness before tonight?"

After remarking on Greg Kinnear's not unfunny portrayal of Captain Amazing, the woman continued, "Maybe I was busy at the time, but it came out before the kids came along, so ... really ... how busy could I have been?"

Watching up to the third commercial break – not thoroughly unamused but less than completely engaged in the comedic plot involving low-rent superheroes such as The Shoveler and The Bowler – the woman opted to abandon the film and check out the Ricky Gervais stand-up special a friend had burned for her instead.
EM

Dude Mourns Don Knotts Two Years Too Late

So we're watching that terrible show where the comics are sitting around pretending to have an actual conversation but they're really just doing their acts, and what's-her-face's roommate says something about Don Knotts being dead.

So I'm like, "Barney Fife? Mr. Limpet? No way."

Of course, I'm totally bummed, so I hop on the web to see if I can get some more info, and I start seeing all this shit from February '06.

Wait a second ... Don Knotts has been dead since February '06 and I'm just hearing about it now?

So now I'm even more bummed … like I betrayed him in some way, you know?

Cut to yesterday, I'm talking to Hutchins … just general talk ... and I bring up Don Knotts and my feelings of guilt, and he goes: "Dude, we talked about this, like, two years ago, 'member? What's-her-face's roommate was seeing that guy from Cranston and we were all at that bar and the old guy working the door with the terrible tattoo brought up The Ghost and Mr. Chicken and you were like, "Did you guys hear that Don Knotts died?"

So now I'm kinda torn between being really, supremely bummed and not bummed at all: not bummed because it turns out I did pay my respects to ol' D.K., but supremely bummed because, clearly, my brain is rusting out from under me.

But whatever, this isn't about me. This is about Don Knotts being dead. May angels sing you to your rest, funny man. Retroactively.

Is it true that Paul Newman died?

What a shit-assed world.
EM @

Popular Thanksgiving Exclamations

• "Let's eat!"
• "Everything looks so delicious!"
• "Nice job, mom!" (sincere)
• "Nice job, mom!" (sarcastic)
• "Of course I'm drunk!"
• "I don't hate you just everything about you!"
• "It ain't Thanksgiving until someone pees on dessert!"
• "He's not my President-Elect, toots!"
• "You want the bird, go in the alley and eat the bird!"
• "I prefer squash pie ... and dudes!"
• "Dear lord, do the Lions bite!"
• "We get it! The white man is to blame! Just pass the goddam cranberry sauce!"
• "She's my sister and my daughter!"
• "Nobody wants to hear your stupid song, Sufjan!"
• "Those aren't parsnips!"
• "Hey, kid! No fries in the ball-pit!"
• "Hey-oh!"