What Am I Dealing With Here?

Innocent youngster just learning to spell or precocious hipster taking a stab at drug humor?

From the Warner Bros. Archive

TO: CHUCK JONES
FROM: WARNER BROS. STANDARDS & PRACTICES

Re: "ODOR-ABLE KITTY"

Dear Mr. Jones:

While we appreciate the wit and craftsmanship on display in your new film, we take issue with your depiction of a false skunk being menaced by a very real, French-accented rapist skunk.

Though the skunk fails in his amorous pursuit, we still fear this film has the potential to offend a number of different groups including:

• The French - who are known to be foul smelling.
• Women's Rights Advocates - as the attempted fornication between skunk and false skunk is played for laughs rather than explored with genuine sensitivity.
• Racial Purists - who may perceive tacit approval of inter-breeding in your portrayal of a cat-fucking skunk.
• Animal lovers - who probably know something about skunks that we don't and just love to fire off tons of angry letters as if people are really supposed to give a shit.

We sincerely hope that you accept these notes in the spirit in which they are given; which is to say, please amend your film promptly and accordingly.

Very truly yours,
EMEM

Retro TV Schedule, Slightly Altered

Marcus Welby, M.D. A kindly, unorthodox doctor differs with his strait-laced young partner as they tackle some common and not-so-common medical conditions ... like whooping herpes.

Quincy, M.E. A Los Angeles medical examiner uses his medical training and intelligence to solve a mystery and prove that a foul deed caused a corpse to end up in the morgue ... Tony Randall does not stop by often enough.

Kojak A tough, incorruptible, independent-minded, lollipop-licking police detective strives to keep the streets of New York City free of crime ... not as smokin' hot as it sounds.

Dragnet A no-nonsense detective with the Los Angeles Police Department and his partner fight crime by tracking down criminals and bringing them to justice ... and lecturing hippies at length.

The Incredible Hulk The adventures of scientist Bruce Banner, the unfortunate recipient of a lethal dose of gamma radiation that causes him to change into a furious green giant ... who'll smash his way straight to your funny bone!

Knight Rider An undercover police officer teams up with a futuristic talking car to battle the criminal enemies of the Knight foundation ... a non-profit organization dedicated to providing voice over work for William Daniels.

The A-Team An elite commando unit is unjustly sent to prison but they escape in order to form a team of soldiers of fortune who fight injustice and crime ... and fools, whom they pity.

Magnum, P.I. A former Naval officer agrees to provide security for a millionaire in exchange for living on his estate while doing private investigation work on the side ... unaired final episode features surprise double wedding of Magnum, Higgins, and their mustaches.

The Rockford Files An ex-con who was pardoned for a crime he didn't commit is an easy-going private investigator who takes on difficult cases with the help of his close friends ... absolutely everybody on the show looks like someone your dad used to hang out with.

Simon & Simon Brothers Rick and A.J. Simon share daring exploits as they work together in their private investigations firm located in San Diego ... the one dude heard this a lot: "I'm sorry, but that part went to Ryan O'Neal," while the other got this: "They're going with Dabney Coleman."

EM

Ineffective Wrestlers

• Kid Endnotes
• The Masked Staples Associate
• Kamala the Ugandan Visiting Professor
• The Cuddler
• Assistant to the Undersecretary of Pain
• King Kong Fuckup
• Microsoft Wrestler, Millennium Edition
• Sgt. Tolerance
• El Conejito
• Lord Posture
• The Repaginator
• Curt From Accounting
• The Blogger

A Message To Messrs. Craig & Jackman

----------------------------------------------
From: E. Myricks
Sent: Friday, May 29, 2009 9:51 AM
To: dc007@yahoo.com; huge-ackman@netzero.net
Subject: Something To Think About

Hey guys:

Saw the news in Playbill. Very exciting! While I'm sure this "Rain" thing is fantastic, and, obviously, selling tix won't be a problem, I can't help but feel there are OTHER plays out there that would be EVEN MORE effective at pulling in your target audience (i.e. The Ladies from NJ).

Attached, please find the following scripts for your consideration:

· Tender Are the Shirtless
· Hold My Hand While I'm Dying of Something
· The Vagina Whisperer
· Mancakes & Sausage
· Deux Chefs!

Take a gander and let me know what you think. I realize I'm not exactly a Broadway insider, but I think I know a little something about theatre ... my plays have been seen by tens of people in upwards of two cities (Boston AND Cambridge).

Best,

EM

Print In Peril

----------------------------------------------
From: E. Myricks
Sent: Thursday, May 28, 2009 3:40 PM
To: All Staff
Subject: Magazine Closings

Due to ongoing declines in ad revenue, the following underperforming titles will be shuttered as of June 1:

• Tiger Teen
• Smore Fancier
• Awkward Lad
• Modern Smelting
• Invalidated Science Digest
• Smug Cigar Chewer
• Lies From London!
• Autograph Fucker
• Popular Skank

Many thanks to the entire staff for all their support over the years; excepting, of course, those in advertising who have killed us all and will never wipe clean the blood on their hands.

Regards,

EM

The Quiet Contest

Henry and his dad engage in an epic battle.

Enter The Tetragon

Four-sided polygon to some, mere quadrilateral to others, but to a hearty few, The Tetragon is an unforgiving space in which limits are tested and foes are bested.

Office Vigilance

Subsidiary Forced To Move Back In With Parent Company

After six years on their own, Eastern Wealth Partners has decided to move back in with parent company, G.F.M. Worldwide. No word yet where exactly the company will be staying as Eastern's old room was converted into a "sewing room" shortly after they started renting their own place downtown in June 2003. When it was suggested that Eastern could just squeeze into the guest room for the time being, the company was reminded that the cat took that room over "years ago."

Though both parties agree the move is necessary, tensions are high as G.F.M. Worldwide has made a number of passive-aggressive comments about the amount of stuff Eastern is planning on bringing into already tight quarters.

Executives with the firm have stated that the move is "only temporary" and they plan on being back on their own in "six months ... a year, tops." Wall Street analysts as well as the company's girlfriend, Michele, are less optimistic.
EM