High School Classics Library

In 1986, students at the Pernell Roberts High School in Waycross, GA were asked to organize a library for books they were assigned throughout the year. Here are selections from the card catalog the students created.

The Only Provisions Left at the End of a Russian Space Mission

• beetsicles


• powdered bark


• Spassky-Os


• sturgeon paste


• rigatoni al dissident


• Eastern Bloc Pockets


• ash browns


• Hydrox

Classic Song Sequels

Jessie's Girl's Daughter - It's that same guy, but now he's all hot for his friend's kid. Maybe he even talks about how glad he is that he never hooked up with Jessie's girl back in the day since that would've made going after her daughter that much creepier.

Low Rider Rides Again – I don't even think you need to change this one that much. Just use the same music and throw in some new lines like, "The low ri-der … is going through the drive thru … the low ri-der … has ex-act change."

Brother Christian – Perhaps he's motoring, too. Or not motoring at all. I'll leave that decision up to Night Ranger.

Another Incident on 57th Street - This time Bruce should spend a little more time with the "sister [who] prays for lost souls and then breaks down in the chapel after everyone's gone." Does she have other interests?

Even More Than a Feeling – Instead of talking about hearing "that old song they used to play," Boston can talk about hearing "More Than a Feeling" on the radio, and how that brings up all kinds of memories about working on the first record, and how THAT reminds them of Marianne ... like mirrors within mirrors.

Sunday Morning's Alright for Stitching Up Knife Wounds - I don't think I need to say more about that. It's on you now, Bernie.

Born in East L.A. 2 - Just so we know what happened next.

My Spec Scripts

For those of you not in The Biz, "spec script" is slang for "speculative script," an original screenplay that has not been commissioned by a studio or production company. (I'm not really sure what "The Biz" is slang for.) The only script that's come close to breaking through is the last one: I got it to Larry Manetti's people ... they seemed to dig it.

Saved By The Bell - "Smarmageddon"
Screech plans a school shooting. Zach tries to talk him out of it. Screech relents and shoots only Zach. The B story involves a couple of the other assholes staying up all night cramming for a test.

The Office - "That's Not Even Funny"
The entire episode is composed of a single 22-minute take in which everybody is actually working: taking customer calls, trying to figure out something in Excel, making copies, etc. Even Michael just sort of sits there and works without doing anything too stupid. It's a commentary on how bad work really blows. It's a gamble, but it could win an Emmy for bravery.

Caillou - "Things Are Going To Be Different Around Here"
While visiting a petting zoo, Caillou runs out of goat feed and starts to whine that he wants more quarters. His mom totally loses it and whales on him in front of everybody. She drags him out by the arm, tosses him in the car, then weeps while leaning her head on the steering wheel.

Seinfeld - "The Spittoon"
Jerry's new girlfriend has "the skunk eye".
George dents Laura San Giacomo's vintage spittoon.
Kramer gets his hands on a fan boat.
Elaine is mad at Puddy for some reason.

Live With Regis & Kelly - "Chain Fight Tonight (This Morning)"
Regis and Kelly interview Roland Gorchnick, the real-life inspiration for The Fonz. The Gorch puts on a chain fight demonstration that pits Regis against Kelly. Reege winds up ripping Kelly up, but good. Then they do a cooking segment with the Landers Sisters and Kelly has to hold a steak on her eye the whole time.

Small Wonder - "I'll Be Bahk"
Vicki, the Robot Girl, stands too close to a space heater and part of her circuitry melts. She starts to think she's a Terminator and targets her little brother Jamie for execution. Disaster is averted when the dad, Ted, takes a Sawzall to the Robot Girl and rebuilds her a little older and a lot hotter.

Magnum P.I. - "I Can't Believe We Ate The Whole Thing"
The guys go on a fishing trip and get stranded at sea. Eventually, Magnum, TC, and Rick are forced to eat Higgins. After being rescued by a Love Boat-style cruise ship, all three survivors start acting tight-assed and uppity like Higgins. There's a big scene where they're having dinner at the captain's table and they're talking all fancy and the whole crew is like, "Wha-?"

Featured Blog: The Deviled Ham Devil

Hola, amigos! Deviled Ham Devil here! Just back from P-Town ... tan, trim, and stinkin' o' gin! (I totally have to quit drinking. Until next Friday. Psych!!!)

Bri-Bri and I had the BEST freakin' time but now it's BACK TO LIFE ... BACK TO REALITY (bleah) but I'm actually really EXCITED so I don't know why I said bleah. Ignore me. Display.

What I'm excited about is the news that Bri-Bri and I have FINALLY (trumpet fanfare) rented the ANVIL FACTORY (choir of angels) and we're TOTALLY gonna be staging our cabaret piece DEVIL AND THE DEEP BLUE C-WORD. Not to be overly modest (moi?) but you guys are SOOO gonna LAP IT UP! Songs, characters, gossip (TONS of gossip), and the crème de la piece de la On No He Di'int! de resistence: the UNEDITED version of the time I tried to get Kristin Chenowith's autograph. Yessssss indeedy! Those of you who already know the story, ADORE the story ... and I think you're really gonna dig the full-stage, balls-out, director's cut, kung-fu grip version. Those of you who DON'T know the story … tickets are still available!!!

ANYhoo, la-dee-da, that's what's up in Deviled Hampshire. I'll keep you posted about the show AND my heart-wrenching battle with alcoholism. AS IF!!!

xosexo,

DHD

Advice for the Man in the Yellow Hat

Look, I don't want to tell you how to live your life. Obviously, you're a smart guy. You've travelled. In fact, you appear to be a scholar of some sort, right? Seems you spend a lot of time at the museum. That's neither here nor there.

My point is, you're not an idiot.

That being the case, I need you to help me understand what you're doing with that monkey. I've got nothing against monkeys, per se. I get that they're cute, they're playful. And yours in particular—I'm not saying he doesn't make me laugh—but all too often I see him get these really bad ideas, and you never seem to be around to staighten him out.

I don't mean to imply that you're completely neglectful. It's true, eventually, you turn up and make things right, which, believe me, is appreciated. But if you know that the monkey has bad ideas ... if you know he likes to start trouble ... why leave him unattended as often as you do?

Cognitively, where would you say a monkey stacks up against a human kid? I'm asking. Probably not a teenager, right? I'm guessing a monkey, on a good day, is operating at around the same level as a four year old. A four year with language deficiencies. That’s fair, right?

Okay, so, let's say I, myself, am living with a four year old with language deficiencies ... am I letting this kid walk down to the donut shop by himself? Am I letting him wander around a working farm unattended? Am I leaving him at the edge of a pond with a bag of marshmallows while I'm off working on my big speech to the museum’s board of directors or whatever?

I'm sure you love your job. And I have little doubt that you love your monkey. But seriously … somebody's going to wind up hurt. I don't think anybody wants to see that.

No, I'm not making a threat! I'm trying to help! Your monkey is out of control! He goes wherever he wants! He gets into everything! If he's a pet, he needs to be on a leash! If he's your son, then you need to be his goddam father and keep an eye on him!

I'm sorry to raise my voice, but this is kind of a sore spot with me. Why? Oh, I don't know, maybe because a certain monkey broke into my ice cream store after hours, ate an entire tub of Dutch Almond Fudge, then used the empty container to build a robot. And it's not like I'm out a single tub of ice cream. I don't think it would be very responsible of me to go selling ice cream that most likely had a monkey crawling all over it.

Ultimately, that's what I'm talking about ... responsibility. I don't want to get all up in your grill. I don't want to be a NARC about it. I just need you to take stock and understand that your monkey, while cute, is kind of running amok.

Are we good here?

Now, what can I get you? Cup or cone?

Whigs v. Whigs

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Welch & Pyles Management, LLC. is proud to announce the formation of a bastardized version of the Afghan Whigs which will tour the U.S. throughout the spring and summer of 2009.

Bassist John Curley and drummer Paul Buchignani, the gentleman who replaced original drummer Steve Earle in 1995, have joined forces to form "John Curley's Afghan Whigs featuring Todd Dulli." Dulli, née Hauerchuk, a fork truck operator from Eau Claire, Wisconsin and ex-singer for unpopular Whigs tribute band, Fountain and Fairfax, is no relation to original Whigs singer Greg Dulli. The vocalist legally changed his name shortly after the release of Black Love, only to find, in the wake of 1998's poorly received 1965, that he could not change it back.

It is expected that around the same time Curley's tour kicks off, Rick McCollum and Greg Dulli himself will embark upon their own Whigs reunion tour, playing a series of dates backed by an African-American female drummer and, if at all possible, former members of The Posies. In August of 2009 both bands—Curley’s Whigs and (Greg) Dulli’s “The Original Afghan Whigs”—will appear on the same night at separate venues in Columbus, Ohio; the latter at a 500 seat theater, the former in the basement of a shitty club.

After their respective gigs, the two bands will run into each other at the same bar, words will be exchanged, and Dulli will strike Dulli/Hauerchuk with a napkin dispenser, resulting in a fine for Dulli and an insufferable party story for Dulli/Hauerchuk.

Kung Fu Panda: As Told By Henry, Age 5

Once upon a time there was once all the Furious Five and they were walking in the forest. All of the sudden, they found a big Kung Fu Panda named Po who shouted, "I wanna do Kung Fu!"

The Furious Five said, "Okay, then go and do Kung Fu."

All of the sudden, Tai Lung appeared and they fighted.

Then Po grabbed Tai Lung and said, "Tai Lung I'm gonna throw you out the window and you're gonna bump your head! WAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

And then Tai Lung went to jail. "Everybody was kung-fu fighting..." The End.

McCain Chooses Palin as Running Mate

DAYTON, Ohio — Senator John McCain chose Monty Python alum Michael Palin as his running mate on Friday, shaking up the political world with a surprise pick at a time when his campaign has been trying to attract nerds, geeks, and fans of television travel documentaries.

After McCain made the announcement, Palin rushed to the podium and shouted, "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!" at which point the pair launched into a spirited performance of the "Dead Parrot " sketch.

The pick, confirmed by Republicans familiar with the decision, amounted to a roll of the dice, a gamble that an infusion of new leadership, and the novelty of a verbally dexterous, comic Brit could well energize a Republican base, desperate to steal thunder from the Obama campaign which recently announced a thirty-city bus tour featuring the senator from Illinois alongside such alterna-comedy leading lights as Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, and Zach Galifianakis.

Standing and waving to the adoring crowd, Palin and McCain broke into wide smiles as cries of "Ni! Ni!" began to ring throughout the hall. The festivities came to an abrupt halt when a giant foot descended from the ceiling, crushing both men.

Palin has also appeared in Brazil and A Fish Called Wanda.

Lies I've Told My Son

• Television is closed.
  
• Those rabbits aren't for sale.
  
• It's only going to hurt for a second.
  
• I have no idea what happened to that thing that plays "Do you know the muffin man?" every time you press the button.
  
• You're going to love school!
  
• The dog went to live with the vet.
  
• Your Barney disk is broken.
  
• That's not an ice cream truck, it's just a music truck.
  
• The Disney Store isn't open on [Sundays, Mondays, etc.]
  
• I don't have any more quarters.
  
• iPods don't have a "repeat" function.
• Maybe later.