Alaskan Voter Weighs In

I'm not a political person by nature. When election day rolls around, I'm usually miles from a polling place, wandering the Arctic in my ceaseless pursuit of gold, GOOOOLD! But this year, on November 4th, you best believe I'll be making base camp right there in town. This is the most important election of my lifetime, and I'm determined to make sure my voice is heard.

As an Alaskan, I'm extremely proud of that moose-guttin', puck-droppin', flute-playin', pit bull-kissin' governor of ours. And while it's undeniable that she's a fun and feisty hottie of the frozen tundra, this is not the only reason I support her.

I support Palin because of where she stands on the issues, the REAL issues: mining, Misfit Toys, reindeer-snout modification; I support the governor because she's always been staunchly pro-pickaxe and anti-Bumble; she has endeavored to normalize relations with the monarchy of King Moonracer; she has been a tireless champion of elfin rights; and she was instrumental in saving Christmas that one year Santa was acting like such a big, crybaby douche.

This election, however, is not about who should be second-in-command, it's about choosing a new commander-in-chief, and I want my commander to be John McCain: war hero, maverick, and the only candidate who has the experience to deal with the challenges we, as a nation, face.

Sure, the economy may not be his strong suit, but, for me, it all comes down to homeland security. When it's three in the morning, and that abominable snow monster is coming at you with his sharp teeth and his frizzy white hair and his crazy, roll-y eyes, whose shaky old finger do YOU want on the button?

When all is said and done, McCain and Palin are the only choice for folks like me: red-haired, stop-motion prospectors who enjoy licking the pointed ends of dangerous tools.

So, happy voting, America. Don't let the Bumbles win. Or the black fella. See you in December when ABC Family starts showing the ass off my special again. Mush! MUUUUSH!

EM