Cat Anticipates Owner Will Love Dead Chipmunk

Oh, man, is she gonna dig this. Can't wait to see the look on her face.

"Is that a chipmunk? Is it dead? Mittens, you f'n rock!"

This is gonna be great. I mean, who doesn't love a dead chipmunk? And you should've seen how I got him. Thing's running for the bush, I'm like, "Thwack … Where'd you think you were going?" And from there it was just:

"Okay, you can go." Right paw, Bap.

"Seriously, it's okay, you can take off." Left paw, Bap.

"Sorry-sorry-sorry, I couldn't resist. Honest this time. Go on." Both paws, Bap-bap.

You would've loved it. And she's gonna love it.

I'm wondering if I should leave it on the step or if it's better to hold it in my mouth and wait. If I drop it on the step, she'll be all, "Who left this awesome dead chipmunk here?" And then I can stroll up like, "Not a problem."

But if I keep it in my mouth and wait, then it's like I'm presenting it as a formal offering. It's a tough call.

I think I'm gonna hold it. That feels right to me.

Oh, shit here she comes. Okay … stay cool … you're a cat, you're a cat ...

Hey. What's going on? Were you out? I didn't even …

Oh, this? Just a little something I picked up ... thought I'd slide it your way.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Yeah, it's a dead chipmunk, what's it look like?

What do you mean, "What am I doing?" I'm hunting and gathering. I'm a cat. I'm a mini-tiger. Think about that. There's tiger in here.

Dude … don't be all disgusted. I'm trying to give you something here, do you a favor.

You know what … f you. You're still feeding me, but f you. Maybe I'll see you around.
EM