Obama Promises Full-Sized Kit Kats for Middle Class Trick-or-Treaters

At a campaign stop in Londonderry, New Hampshire, Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama unveiled his plan to provide full-sized Kit Kat bars to all trick-or-treaters making less than $250,000 a year.

"Americans are hurting this Halloween season. Michelle and I understand this," said Obama. While my opponent plans to short-change the little guy with a fun-size Crunch bar or a handful of those cheap marshmallow mini-pumpkins that you get at Walgreens, my comprehensive trick-or-treat plan will provide Americans quality, satisfaction, and, I believe, a measure of hope."

Under Obama's plan, trick-or-treaters making more than $250,000 a year will receive mini-Kit Kats.

During a talk-back session, Obama was approached by a man who identified himself as the owner of a small roofing company. "I clear between $252,000 and $256,000 annually. I can't help but feel that your trick-or-treat plan punishes me for working hard and carving out a decent living for myself."

The senator proceeded cautiously with his response. "Look, nobody likes to get half a Kit Kat while everybody else is getting a full one. I understand that. But the assumption here is, if you wish to do so, you can take a portion of your comparatively sizable income and go purchase your own full-size Kit Kat. You have that luxury. You could probably even trade up for the king-size if you so desired. What I'm asking you to do is to think about the kindergarten teacher, the grocery clerk, the diner waitress who, in the absence of a social safety net, might well be staring down the barrel of a Halloween free of Kit Kats altogether."

When asked if this didn't resemble socialism, Obama grinned and said, "John McCain is 90% Bush and 10% crazy. I'M THE ONE!"

The McCain campaign responded swiftly and strongly to Obama's announcement, stating that fun-size Crunch bars and mini-pumpkins have never been part of the senator from Arizona's Halloween plan.

"I'm an American, and I think I know what Americans want," said McCain. "That's why this year, as has always been the case, in good times and in bad, Cindy and I will be offering the average trick-or-treater individually prepared bags of candy corn with the additional option of a couple Mary Janes or Squirrel Nut Caramels, whichever they prefer. I myself can't eat either, too sticky, but experience has taught me that Americans just love 'em, and I don't see the need to start shoving big government, tax-and-spend chocolate bars down the American people's throat in the midst of this degraded economy."

When asked what trick-or-treaters making more than $250,000 stand to gain under McCain's Halloween plan, the senator replied that he'd "have to check with [his] advisers," but our research indicates that they will be receiving fourteen inch Chippendale round trays from Tiffany.
EM