How is Hollywood Ruining Your Sensitive Debut Novel?

• Condensing three principal characters into single wise-cracking cockatiel.
• Talking with Mike Myers about playing entire wedding party.
• Replacing understated environmental collapse message with explosions.
• Failing to get copy to George Clooney, succeeding in getting one to Gerry Cooney.
• Going with CGI grandma.
• Ironing out complications, adding boobies.
• "Rasta-fying" character based on your cousin Dennis.
• Hiring kid off of craigslist to do a polish.
• Leaving copy in Stephen Baldwin's downstairs bathroom.
• Inserting character of large, gentle black man who magically "heals" mother's brain stem.
• Wondering aloud if theme about man's protracted, inexorable march to the grave could be "sexier".
• Throwing money at it.
• Adding rap-off.
• Letting Oliver Stone fuck around with it.
• Recording ponderous narration cribbed from someone else's sensitive debut novel.
• Doing coke off of paperback version.

EM