Tuesday, October 21, 2008

How is Hollywood Ruining Your Sensitive Debut Novel?

  • Condensing three principal characters into single wise-cracking cockatiel.
  • Talking with Mike Myers about playing entire wedding party.
  • Replacing understated environmental collapse message with explosions.
  • Failing to get copy to George Clooney, succeeding in getting one to Gerry Cooney.
  • Going with CGI grandma.
  • Ironing out complications, adding boobies.
  • "Rasta-fying" character based on your cousin Dennis.
  • Hiring kid off of craigslist to do a polish.
  • Leaving copy in Stephen Baldwin's downstairs bathroom.
  • Inserting character of large, gentle black man who magically "heals" mother's brain stem.
  • Wondering aloud if theme about man's protracted, inexorable march to the grave could be "sexier".
  • Throwing money at it.
  • Adding rap-off.
  • Letting Oliver Stone fuck around with it.
  • Recording ponderous narration cribbed from someone else's sensitive debut novel.
  • Doing coke off of paperback version.

EM

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